Moms Columns & Blogs

Change and Friendship

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The dividing lines of my days have blurred, drifting over and under, collecting as a mélange of grey moments, indistinguishable one from another in my messy mind…

Sorrow and change…two constants, seemingly unrelated but hopelessly intertwined in our home…  It is a continual struggle to adjust to each other’s differences; we may look the same, but there is a loosely veiled madness galloping around inside each of us, creating a palpable unease when we are all gathered in one place…  Am I expecting too much?  Although we have settled into something of a routine, it seems foreign, like we’re living someone else’s life, stand-ins forced to act out certain roles against our will.  It is a catch-22…  Accepting the ‘new’ feels like a betrayal of Brian; hanging on to the ‘old’ holds us hostage to a life that is no longer possible.

The adjustment to my work routine hasn’t erased any measurable amount of tension the way I thought it would; I guess I was overly optimistic about John and me collaborating on projects.  Trying to sort out his unreasonable work expectations for me is pointless; I think it best to keep my head down and plod along quietly for a while.  Beth has been assisting the new office manager with the transition, assuming many tasks to free me from the stress of that environment.  She is slowly adapting to being a full-time student while holding down a single job.  Still, I see strain and pain in her eyes…she and Grace have both lost so-called ‘good’ friends in the recent months.  Their buddies resumed ‘normal’ lives, business as usual; the girls are learning to live a new life, nothing is familiar.  To say there are some hard feelings complicating matters amongst them would be an understatement…  

Fortunately, John and I are blessed with wonderful friends who are sticking close by…  They act as lighthouses of a sort, shining their bright light into the darkness, guiding us back to the path when we wander off course.  Perhaps the difference between our friends and those of Beth and Grace is simply age, the passage of years having instilled empathy otherwise lacking in youth…  And now, through writing, I have found others like us…  People forced to travel this road ahead of us, unwilling members of this horrific club, kindly reaching out to this new initiate…  As there is no map or guide book to lead us through this valley of shadows and sorrow, I am especially grateful for all friends, old and new…  

Wishing you hope…tg 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator