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March, 2009

I should change my name to little Miss Responsibility…   No matter how often I tell myself ‘Never again’ or ‘This time will be the last time’, I give in to the cry for help.  I’m not sure why I always feel obligated to jump in to fix whatever is wrong; why can’t I empower myself to walk away?  I am a slave to the need to solve the problem, to make things better, though I should know by now, some things cannot be changed.  I’m living out the definition of insanity, over and over again…

John and I walked in the front door of the office from an inspection, right into the midst of a crisis meeting...  Evidently, things have not been going as well as it seemed with the tasks I relinquished three months ago.  Due to the current state of financial affairs, we were all asked to implement and accept specific changes, effective immediately.  Certain aspects of the discussion made sense to me, given the trends and patterns I saw when I was managing things; most notably, the slowing of bank disbursements has continued beyond what I witnessed during my tenure.  Other parts of the explanation, however, were inconsistent with my experience over the last five years…

And so, without stopping to consider where it could lead, I agreed to take a look at a few reports.  To validate the recommendations.  To allay fears.  Because when these sorts of changes are implemented, people tend to get upset…

Forget upset, I’m beyond that; I’m in shock.  After a cursory review of several standard reports, I had more questions than answers.  I’ve worked with numbers in varying capacities for more than twenty years; my degree is in finance…  I’ve never seen anything like this.  The deeper I delved, the more unsettled I felt.  Mismatches.  Contradictions.  Nonsensical entries. 

Something is very wrong; it is much more involved than what I initially thought…expected…hoped…  The problem extends beyond timing concerns and the struggling economy.  I cannot discern the motive behind this mess; whether fraud or incompetence, I will be insistently recommending an immediate personnel change.

Am I ready to jump in, to unravel the latest mess at work?  Not really; John and I have finally settled into some semblance of a routine, working in tandem, all of which will be out the window tomorrow morning...  Why do it?  I am the logical choice, the most familiar with the position, as it was my area not that long ago.  My motivation is pretty basic: my family’s livelihood is entirely dependent upon the success of this firm.  While it may appear entirely self-serving, by looking after my family’s best interests, I will also be taking care of everyone else’s as well.  In this economic environment, we all need our jobs more than ever…

But I’ve been burned before.  Once I get things straightened out, how long will it take for the back stabbing to begin again?  I won’t worry about that now; I’ll deal with it when it does.  Because it is not a question of if, but of when…  Lord, please give me the strength to do what must be done here; help me rise to the challenge before me, because I am so, so tired…

Wishing you blessings and hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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