Moms Columns & Blogs

One detail, done...

blog post photo

I feel as if all of the color has faded from our lives…  Where has it gone?  It seems the entire world is awash in shades of gray…  Our view is tainted by the constant pain wrought by his absence, sorrow and sadness cloud what we see through these troubled eyes…  Joy and happiness are distant memories from a different time and another life…  

I cannot find the time or energy to clear up certain things, even now, months later.  In life, Brian was quite demanding of time and attention; but looking back from where I currently stand, that was so much easier to manage than what is expected of me now.  Forcing myself to close out his life, trying to find a way to handle it so that I don’t go crazy in the process, is quite… overwhelming… impossible... useless...  It must be a self-defense mechanism kicking in; for every additional detail that is resolved, I am one step closer to all of this being final, and I cannot go there…  

I pushed myself beyond the limit today…merely by cleaning out Brian’s side of the bathroom.  I literally jumped up out of bed this morning, grabbed a trash bag, and made it happen before I was awake enough to really consider what I was doing and lost my nerve.  John was playing golf and the girls were still asleep, so I took a deep breath and pulled open the cabinet doors…  Everything was neat and orderly, exactly how he left it: pots of hair gel and canisters of mousse; several partially mashed tubes of toothpaste, three flattened toothbrushes and a mostly empty bottle of Listerine mint mouthwash; a new brush and a comb with broken teeth; a can of shaving gel and razors; tiny bottles of cologne from an ancient Christmas set and some Axe body wash; a pump bottle of Vaseline moisturizing lotion and two unopened bars of Lever 2000 soap; prescription acne medications, skin cream and three unopened boxes of sunscreen pushed against the back wall…  I smothered my shrieking thoughts (TRAITOR YOU ARE A TRAITOR) and held my breath while my anxious heart inexplicably attempted to beat out of my chest.  I dared not pause; I robotically grabbed things and piled them into the large white plastic sack…  I carried it straight outside to the big roll-out garbage can; that way I couldn’t change my mind later, nor would I have to face off with my family, trying to explain what I cannot...  

So what’s the big deal?  Why do this now?  Why get rid of anything at all?  I don’t know…for some reason, I felt compelled to.  Maybe it’s because we cannot close off this bathroom like we did his bedroom…perhaps I was testing myself with this small area to start, seeing how I would cope afterward.  It might have been an unconscious effort to protect the rest of them from confronting more of his personal belongings; any time we stumble across something new, it sends a shockwave through our psyche.  I do know that if anything like this is ever to be accomplished, I will have to be the one to do it…no one else has the strength to even try.  So today, like legions of women before me, I did what had to be done.   And now tonight, I sit here and hate myself for having done it…  

Wishing you hope…TG 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

  Comments