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Family ties...

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The burden of grief is wearing me down…trying to be strong, holding the splintered pieces of us together in order to survive is the second hardest thing I’ve ever had to do…  The first is obvious...  It is like the water at the lake; it constantly challenges the shoreline, demanding surrender.  Without a strong foundation and attention, the embankment will eventually give way...  

And so I find myself struggling to keep anger at bay once again…  More and more often, frustration is seeping out around the edges of my pasted on persona, no matter the effort I expend to contain it.  Especially in certain situations, which I have discovered should be avoided at all costs…  

Like the one earlier today.  Why is it those who should have the most compassion for what we are going through seem to have the least?  Instead of lending us support, they demand it from us...aren’t we the ones who cannot escape this altered reality for a single minute?  Picture a family gathering…filled with more awkwardness than any other get-together we’ve been to since it happened.  For some unknown reason, Brian is taboo; we soft-shoe around subjects: the accident, our feelings, sports, anything pertaining to him or that could lead us there.  Talk about a big fat elephant in the room!!!!!  This is completely contrary to what we are accustomed to doing…any time he comes up in the natural course of conversation, we go with it.  He is very much alive in the sharing of our memories…  Clearly I couldn’t abide by this unspoken rule…  

Which ended up with me being told that my beliefs are simply wrong.  That it is not possible for someone so young to have finished their life’s work in this world and be taken home to the next one…  A debate of choices, consequences, free will, God’s plans for our lives, and horrible accidents ensued…not exactly standard dinner conversation, but whatever…  It came up, out, and I laid it all on the line.  I don’t tell them what to believe, so why am I fair game?  I’m not afraid to stand my ground and defend my convictions; if you ask, be sure you want to hear my answer…  Eventually I posed it as a question:  What if by choosing to make that call, to press ‘send’ at exactly that instant while pulling into traffic in that location, Brian completed his mission here?  Their answer: ‘Well, we didn’t think about it like that.’  It’s just another point of view…that happens to be mine.  After what seemed like an eternity, dessert was served and cleared.  I walked outside to corral John and Grace…it was past time to go home…  

Everyone has to decide for themselves what is true… I know Brian finished his job here; whatever it was, he did it.  I don’t have to see it to believe it…  Well done, B, well done…  

If you would like a ‘Remember Brian’ bracelet and you haven’t been able to reach me previously, send your request and mailing address to: rememberbrian@mindspring.com. 

Wishing you hope…TG  

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator 

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