Moms Columns & Blogs

On Mother's Day...

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I have given in to the overwhelming urge…  I will pause in my retrospective musings to reflect upon today, Mother’s Day…  It has been particularly bittersweet for me…  I know that I am blessed, for I have my wonderful mother and both grandmothers still with me, as well as the gift of my beautiful daughters.  And yet I have struggled these last few days, longing to hear the sweet sound of his voice and to see that mischievous grin once again.  Last year was the first time since grade school that Brian sought out his very own card for me, delivered with his signature smile and a handful of daisies…  

I can honestly say I never really thought of myself as described by the word ‘mother’; mothering was something that I did, not who I considered myself to be.  The mother in my world was my mom; I was simply a daughter.  Mother’s Day had always been a day to acknowledge and honor her, not me.  I am unsure why I felt like this.  Perhaps it is because I did not struggle to have children; it may be due to the fact that I became a mother at a young age; or possibly because I’ve never felt qualified or worthy…whatever the reasoning, at no time did I have the ‘eureka’ moment where the noun and the verb merged into one…until now.  

I have come to realize this…being a mother is an infinite affair of the heart.  It is a bond that cannot be broken by any circumstance; it transcends time and distance, even death.  This connection is not created simply by virtue of blood ties and biology; it is also forged through emotional attachment and commitment…it is the giving over of oneself to the care and nurturing of that young person, no matter what is required of you…  

As a mom I am missing my son acutely on this day…I know others are hurting from the opposite side, sorely wishing for a single moment more with their mother.  The loss of the security, comfort and wise counsel embodied within that person is surely difficult to bear.  Almost ten years ago I confronted the very real possibility of losing mine.  Recently, several friends’ moms passed on; they shared with me how hard it is to face.  All the while, they discounted their anguish compared to mine.  I pondered this briefly, and concluded that we are all hurting in large measure.  They are yearning for the past with the person who symbolized a refuge and safe-haven; I am missing the future with my child that I dreamed of and will never know.  Either way, grief has become an integral part of us, different in origin but equal in power and pain…  

Through this sheen of tears today, I keep reminding myself of my grandmother’s wise words.  Years ago my uncle Buster died suddenly at the age of forty from a massive heart attack.  He was born a premature twin in a time when many preemies did not survive…my grandparents were told not to expect either child to live for long.  When my mother asked her how she survived his death, her answer was quite simple.  ‘Every day he lived was a gift from God, and I had forty years’ worth of them.’  I am a lucky woman, enriched by the privilege of having been Brian’s mom for every single minute I was allowed…  

So to all of those who have lost a child, who long for a child, are fighting with a child, are enjoying a moment’s peace with a child, and children of all ages, remember, love never ends…  I wish each of you hope and many smiles brought forth from your memories, old and new….  Happy Mother’s Day!

Original blog posts have been re-posted under the month of March, identified as Archive-Part 1, etc.  I will pick up our story again on Thursday...TG  

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator

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