Moms Columns & Blogs

Holding on...

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My whole life keeps going wrong…  The swinging bridge on which I stand is unraveling; the swelling crevasse between our old life and this new existence has stretched it to the breaking point.  My threads of strength, each and every fiber, are fraying under the constant strain and stress…who knows how much longer it will hold…  

Everything I do these days is reactionary; there is no control, no order, no plan…  Often I tire of fighting the dark places…  The urge to scream and yell and rage against the sudden taking of our son and the emptiness left behind almost takes hold of me…  Instead I choose to cry softly for him, and for us, and for all that we have lost; these soundless sobs always wring out the last ounce of strength I have to offer on any given day…  

Bearing it…there is no break, no getting away from the harsh truth…no matter how much I don’t want it to be real, Brian is gone.  At times I just don’t think I can stand it; my mind cringes, trembling in the corner, making a heroic effort to deny the facts, not accepting any of it, refusing to process such thoughts even one synapse further.  How much heartache can one endure?  I am afraid to even think, much less express, this sentiment; I know that things could always turn far, far worse, so why even suggest it?  

As a consequence of my disordered condition, I am woefully behind on writing thank-you notes and acknowledging the many thoughtful acts bestowed upon our household these last months.  Brian’s water garden has been completed for weeks and I am frustrated with myself…at my inability to sit down and do what should have already been done.  Tonight, I am giving in to my self-imposed urgency and offering a small effort; I have composed a second group email message to be sent on our behalf, buying me a little more time to handle things properly.  Hopefully most will understand and forgive the method of delivery, for my sentiment is sincere…  

“Dearest Pine Lake Family,  

Once again I am at a loss for words; the continuing support, prayers and kindness shown to our family during this time are a source of comfort beyond measure.    

As we walk this path through the valley of shadows and sorrow, your expressions of friendship and love shown in so many different ways are little lights shining for us at exactly the right times.  

I just recently read that 'God is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.' (Psalm 34:18) and it occurred to me that every single telephone call, email, card, dinner, book, etc. has been delivered at the exact moment when we needed it the most.  And that, my dear friends, is confirmation of His closeness, delivered through each of you. So thank you, for affirming my faith in His closeness, so that I can continue to have hope...  

The location of the meditation fountain is perfect, and it is beautiful.  Brian spent plenty of time in both the lounge and the snack bar, and he would be able to see the range and the pro shop from that spot, so I am sure that he is smiling his smile as we all pass through there...  

With much love,

The Garlock Family

John, Tammy, Beth & Gracie”  

Original blog posts have been re-posted under the month of March, identified as Archive-Part 1, etc.  Wishing you hope…TG 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator 

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