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Irrevocable...

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Some decisions are irrevocable…  How often in our lives do we make a choice we later wish we could undo?  Forced to live with regret because we didn’t think of all the possible consequences?

It would be quite easy to torture myself with the obvious, and yet I don’t, most of the time.  The source of my angst today is much simpler, yet closely related, all the same…

Part of my job has picked up, which is a very good thing.  My ability, and frankly, my willingness, however, to work more hours in the office remains unchanged.  As an act of compromise, a few weeks ago I upgraded my cell phone for work.  Think Fred Flintstone to Blackberry Curve. 

Never realizing at the time that in doing so, I lost the last text message my son ever sent me…

It appears silly on the surface…but I am beside myself…  Losing those few words, that personal, tangible connection to him makes me feel like I’ve lost him all over again…

Which I really don’t need right now…  Because even though intellectually I know it’s impossible, it seems like we are moving towards it happening again…losing Brian a second time.  Every passing minute is dragging us back to the beginning…  The events and activities leading up to that day were ordinary; nothing spectacular, just the typical goings-on and issues for a family with teenagers: spring break, prom, end of year tests and final grades, driver’s licenses, car considerations, PSAT/SAT prep, summer job search, vacation plans…  Like puzzle pieces snapping into place, each one clicks in my subconscious, heightening my anxiety.  I cannot shake the heavy sense of foreboding haunting me 24-7…

“Call me when you can.”

Five little words.  Gone forever.  Irreplaceable.  Such a little thing, symbolic of something far greater…  It’s going to be hard to forgive myself for this one...  Eventually, I will…  Some things cannot be changed.  Meanwhile, this will serve as a hard lesson on the unintended consequences of even simple decisions…

Wishing you sunshine and hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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