Moms Columns & Blogs

Why I hate the ice cream truck

When I adopted my kids, a friend with six children warned me: Never, ever let them buy ice cream from a truck. Otherwise, they’ll torment you every day all summer, whenever they hear that tinny speaker.

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I know, you’re saying to yourself, “That Frumpy Mom is one grouchy lady, she won’t even let her kids get ice cream, a time honored tradition.”

But since I truly believe that these trucks were sent by Satan to drive people mad, I followed her advice. I don’t want their evil dominion to spread.

I wasn’t surprised to hear about ice cream truck vendors being arrested for selling drugs out of their trucks. If you will drive around a peaceful neighborhood, blasting loudspeakers and disturbing the peace, you will stop at nothing. Drugs, robberies, murder. Hey, it could happen.

Getting “It’s a Small World” stuck in your head for hours was like being infected by one of those horrible tropical maggots that enters through your foot, and then grows and then bursts out of your brain.

If your kids already bug you to get ice cream, there is something you can do.

Rent the 1995 movie, “Evil Ice Cream Man” in which an escaped mental patient chases kids and drives around in his truck, giving kids treats filled with insects and pieces of dead bodies instead of ice cream.

They also made a movie in 2005, “We All Scream for Ice Cream,” about an ice cream man who came back from the dead as a bloodthirsty ghost after he was tormented and accidentally killed by neighborhood children.

Show that to your kids, and maybe they’ll never beg for a treat from the truck again.