Moms Columns & Blogs

O Christmas tree

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The unmistakable smell of a newly cut Fir floats throughout the house…  The tree is not quite as large as those from past years, but it more than fills the designated corner.  We ignored the chore as long as we could; it took every bit of resolve we had to buy it and bring it home…  

Stacked boxes of Christmas ornaments, tubs of wrapping paper, and containers of decorations have been liberated from the attic…only to sit, unopened in the hall…  I am blocking them out, squeezing my eyes tightly shut against the inevitable next step.  I know inside every package, a forgotten memory lies encased; as each bauble is revealed, fresh anguish awaits my broken heart…    

For the last ten years or so, we gave our children ornaments to be opened on Christmas Eve.  Each was chosen with care; sometimes I searched for months to find just the right one.  The ornament had to be meaningful, representative of them in some way; a hobby, special occasion or unique personality trait…  I wanted them to have a collection of their own when they left home, a visible reminder of long-ago holiday celebrations.  Perhaps something to be continued when they started families of their own…  

I know the importance of traditions, but I am struggling mightily to do anything...one thing…nothing…  Everything I need to do feels so incredibly wrong to me; shopping, baking, tree trimming…  Overwhelming…  What was my life like before three children?  I have no idea…I cannot remember.  The idea of doing any of this without Brian is too much for me to handle right now…  I’m not alone in this.  John and Grace have disappeared, hiding behind closed bedroom doors.  I suspect they are battling a similar refrain:  ‘It’s Christmas, we’ve always had our tree up by now.  We need to get it done.’ against ‘Brian’s not here to help, I don’t want to do it.  How can I?   By decorating the tree, I’m saying it doesn’t matter, he didn’t matter.’  My thoughts are a swirling mass of contradictions; I’m hiding in the bathtub…    

Total surprise…  Somehow, she did it.  The tree is finished.  While I acted on my self-imposed time out, Beth dug deep and accomplished the task at hand.  Far and above what I could do today…  What a blessing to have it done; I’m very grateful.  Thank you Beth…  

Wishing you sunshine and hope…tg

Thanks to Darin Morton and Gary Cooper of State Farm Insurance, we have additional ‘Remember Brian’ bracelets to share.    Please send your request and mailing address to rememberbrian@mindspring.com. 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator

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