Moms Columns & Blogs

Survival Mode

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June, 2009

Emotions are running high; patience is critically low; every ounce of energy we have is focused on getting through it…  Unfortunately, survival mode leaves nothing over for anyone or anything else, least of all each other…

Beth continues to struggle with GI issues, though not as bad as before; I cannot help but think it is part of her deeply buried grief, forcing its way out…  She tries so hard to be strong and not add to the demands we already face, locking her pain away, far below what she shows.  I keep telling her, sorrow will have its day, one way or another…

Grace has slipped back into retreat mode, which I suppose is not altogether unexpected…but it’s hard to take right now.  The last thing I need is her flat-out lying to me, especially over stupid stuff; it really ticks me off because it’s unnecessary and is adding to the tension and drama in our house…  I suppose this is her teenage way of coping…deny and run away…lie and evade…

John has been working nonstop, as if immersing himself in sterile facts and figures will prevent involuntary comparisons of then versus now.  It hasn’t worked for either of us yet, and only serves to make him angrier at the end of every day.  I can always tell when the punish parade begins; his eyes darken, he disappears into the garage for a while and when he returns, every sentence is laden with a thinly veiled challenge to take him on…

And sometimes, like today, I do, despite knowing I shouldn’t.  His passive-aggressive baiting wore down the last of my resistance and good sense.  I called him on it, and he in turn asked why I’m patient with everyone but him?  I had no good answer to his question, but it made me stop and think…  I could have defended myself by saying there are things he doesn’t have to deal with, issues that are falling completely on me…but honestly, since it’s my choice to ‘protect’ him, I can’t really use that as an excuse...  At least we are communicating again…

I can hardly believe we’ve survived nearly a year without Brian; I would have never thought it possible, but I guess it eventually happens, even if it’s one breath at a time. 

I awoke to a new thought, so perfectly timed and placed I’m certain it was whispered in my ear from above…  I’m going to try very hard to think of June 12 as Brian’s new birthday in heaven with Jesus, rather than the day he died here.  While both are true statements, and to some it may seem silly or stupid, I always aspire to focus on the positive...  It’s the same thing to a cynic, but to me, it’s all the difference in the world…

We are giving away ‘Remember Brian 06-12-08’ bracelets again for the second anniversary.  Please email rememberbrian@mindspring.com if you are interested with your mailing address & I will gladly send one (or more) to you!  Also if you are in need of a replacement, I have plenty to share!

Wishing you many blessings, sunshine and hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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