Moms Columns & Blogs

Pain

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I’m on the verge of locking the door, turning off the phone, crawling into my closet and hiding behind the coats, dust balls be damned…  The trauma of it all, the relentless onslaught of ‘firsts’ has beaten us down; in response we appear to have turned on each other…  

‘Everything feels weird, off-kilter; nothing makes sense now…’

‘I’m sick of feeling helpless, useless and miserable all of the time…’

‘I freaking hate this life, this house and everyone in it…’  

Pain, pain and more pain…  By all means, I’m not upset enough; please lash out, hurt me, hurl a couple more vile words to cut me again.  Do you feel better after smashing me down, whipping me with your rage?  Are you trying to crush my hope and the belief that’s keeping me afloat?  I’m tired; my resistance is weak…  I have no reserve team to call upon for my injured spirit; my only help comes from the verses springing to mind as I try to forgive you and forget this ever happened tonight…  

Obviously, I don’t know how to help or ease anyone’s pain.  We all feel the same; how we are coping (or not, it seems) is very different.  Perhaps focusing on how we are alike (missing him missing him missing him) can reunite us.  We each have to deal in our own way as best we can, but we also need to stick together and not give up.  Raging against those who love you may relieve pressure for a moment, but eventually you’ll end up alone.  Just you, by yourself with all of that ugliness…  

What next?  How do I deflect the hurt and anger erupting continuously from my entire family?  If this continues, we’re definitely going down in flames...  On one hand, at least some of this pent up sorrow is getting out; but then again, at what price to the rest of the household?  It’s hard to stand tall when waves of frustration keep knocking you to your knees…  

But that’s exactly where I need to be…  I’m going to do the only thing that never fails me during these darkest of times: pray.  I’ll cast off tonight’s nastiness, my ill will and resentment, asking for renewed strength, a tiny bit of wisdom, and a measure of consolation instead.  If we make it through December, it will be by grace alone…  

Wishing you hope…tg

Thanks to Darin Morton and Gary Cooper of State Farm Insurance, we have additional ‘Remember Brian’ bracelets to share.    Please send your request and mailing address to rememberbrian@mindspring.com. 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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