Moms Columns & Blogs

All right? Not so much...

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It will be alright…or so I keep telling myself.  But when?  Time marches on, unstoppable…and the hits keep on coming.  It’s hard to keep believing when your heart is broken and your head is aching.  I’m faking it, barely holding it together, pretending to be fine, day after endless day…  

There is conflict at every level, in every facet of my so-called life; no aspect is free from strife.  Perhaps it has always been this way and I didn’t notice before; my eyes are wide open, seeing the world in a way I never knew possible before losing Brian.  I cannot help but wonder if others are attempting to prey upon what they perceive to be weakness.  They are in for an eye-opening experience themselves if that is the case; my faith and sense of fairness are stronger than ever.  My tolerance for negativity and unkindness is negligible; I attempt to remove myself from any source if at all possible, facing confrontation only if I must…  

When our weekday tennis team began practice in August, I assumed the role of captain.  I decided to honor the commitment despite several offers from teammates to take my place.  I decided I needed to do this to keep me tied to the game, as so often my desire to participate in enjoyable things is crushed by guilt over any thought of happiness, however small.  As captain I have flexibility in arranging lineups, so I can be out if I need to.  Our team is extremely competitive, but everyone gets along and there is little, if any, jockeying for position within the team itself.  Or so I thought…  I was shocked to discover otherwise…  Why is it those who never volunteer to take on the captain’s role are the first to find fault with the captain?  I listened patiently to concerns and repeatedly explained my thought process in player partnerships and positioning.  After dealing with the same issue for the third time in as many matches I dispensed with political correctness and called it what it was…diva drama over not getting their way.  Needless to say, it was not well received; Robert (our pro) got an earful about me and my lack of open mindedness and approachability.  Whatever…the greater good of the team will always override the wants of any individual player in my mind and in my lineups.  

Then there’s the job…  I work hard to complete my duties to the best of my ability in the time I have.  I prioritize and accomplish the tasks that are most important or urgent in nature, so that the flow of work continues, unimpeded.  While I don’t have time for special ‘projects’ or anything irrelevant to daily operations, I always manage to do what must be done on any given day.  Sadly, there are coworkers who are disgruntled because I am not ‘in’ my office forty hours per week.  I never spent that amount of time in the office before (with exception to the span of time after an employee was fired two years ago), nor have I ever intended to do so.  This fact I have always made very clear, especially since I have the ability to work remotely…  My boss claims to be fine with the current arrangement.  And yet he tells me quite often of their complaints against me…the main issues being my absence and erratic schedule, not my accomplishments or performance of the job.  I have started to dread going to the office...I cry the whole way there most days.  Some of the tears are shed for Brian, while others are from frustration and anger at the pettiness of it all.  It is difficult to constantly defend myself over the same stupid criticisms and continue to turn the other cheek.  I long to scream over the intercom, ‘When you have a real issue, bring it.  Otherwise, shut up and do your own job.  Quit worrying about me and what I do.’  But I won’t lower myself to that level.  Bottom line, I’m doing the best that I can, and my family comes first, today, tomorrow, and every day after that…  

Just as I expected after her suspension, Grace is dreadfully behind in school.  We battle daily over grades and the need for tutoring; a month into her sophomore year, and she is ready to give up.  Aside from one teacher, she believes she is labeled as troubled and not salvageable.  Grace doesn’t want to do her weekly individual counseling, or even consider joining the KinderMourn support group scheduled to start at Butler soon.  As a final kick in the face, she is openly heralding that she is ‘dating’ a young man, who just happens to be nineteen!  Never mind that she is not even allowed to date yet…  She has given John and Beth another reason to team up, with me thrust into the role of her unwitting partner again by default.  At least John and Beth are agreeing on something, because that is about the only unity of purpose in our home at the moment.  It is open season on anything…the dishes aren’t done right (if at all), the clothes are too wrinkled (at least they’re clean), there’s nothing to eat in the house (you go to the store then), dinner is too early (or too late), their rooms are too messy (close the door), when do they study (obviously when you aren’t looking)…  There is no satisfying him right now; I am powerless to fix what is broken.  So I have implemented avoidance tactics…  I distance myself from him to keep from fighting back.  Maybe not the best strategy, but it’s all I’ve got…  

Thank goodness for the many friends that continue to step in and offer help that I don’t even recognize I need.  It is a great comfort to know that even after so much time has passed (14 weeks and life to go), we are still thought of and prayed for.  Our family is so far apart now in this dark, desolate valley of grief…  It is painfully obvious to me how easily we could disintegrate and break apart forever…

Next support group meeting, Saturday, June 20, 2009 @ 12:00 noon, Panera Bread-Matthews location.

‘Remember Brian 06-12-08’ bracelet campaign, free in exchange for a simple pledge regarding cell phone usage while driving!   Please see story:  http://www.charlotteobserver.com/276/story/739620.html  

Wishing you hope…TG 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator 

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