Moms Columns & Blogs

'Delivered'

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October 23, 2009

All I’m doing is carrying on as best I can…the only way I know how…not giving much thought to the way my life appears from the outside looking in…

It surprised me when a friend asked if I would consider a question from her group’s Bible study on the Psalms of Ascents.  “Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” Psalm 124:8  While knowing I might not feel ‘delivered’, it seemed like I saw God’s hand in trying to figure out how to live ‘life after Brian’, and she wondered if I could talk about it…

Several people asked me something similar recently; in trying to answer her request, it forced me to really think about what deliverance means…

“I would be honored to tell you what this means to me personally, although I will probably ramble…

Since Brian's accident, I have learned and grown in my faith more than the other 38+ years combined... 

When we walked out of the hospital that horrible day, I knew the only chance I had, that we had, was through the Lord's strength alone.  Philippians 4:13 is one of the guiding premises of my life.  As John drove us home without Brian, I surrendered to Him in a way I failed to do previously in my life.  I had professed faith and believed in Christ as my Lord and Savior for many, many years, but always held something back...  Before June 12, I thought I was in control of my life, family, job, you name it; after June 12, I realized control is an illusion.  The only thing I truly control is my willingness to submit to His will, to His plans.  No matter what they are. 

Some may wonder why I didn't ask for Brian to be spared.  Honestly, from the moment John uttered the words "Brian's been in an accident" I felt in my heart it was done.  When I called people as John rushed us to the hospital, I remember asking them to pray for my family, not specifically for Brian.  Somehow, I knew the outcome was decided; I always worried something like this would happen to him (never once thought it about Beth).  Perhaps that is why I fought against Brian driving for so long, who knows...  

While I wasn't spared the agony of losing my son, my son was spared the suffering that would have surely accompanied his surviving this accident.  At some point last fall, I read a quote by St. Francis de Sales: 'He will either shield you from suffering or give you the unwavering strength to bear it'.  God knew that Brian couldn't handle the pain, so He took him home, and left us to cope instead...  If Brian had to live a lesser life, that would have been a fate far worse than death to him.  Even though I understand this intellectually, at times it is no consolation; but then I ask myself, would I want to watch him suffer?  Absolutely not...  I guess what I am saying is I would rather struggle to face life without Brian than to watch him struggle to endure extreme pain and physical incapacitates & limitations; I consider this to be an answered prayer~a very difficult one, I might add.  

We didn't ask for this life, yet it is the one we have been given now.  Every day of the last 16+ months, I have cried out for help with practically everything, and God has answered.  In my old life, I always expected to experience Him in big, earthshaking ways; if it wasn't an earthquake, I failed to notice.  I have since learned He always answers, if I simply stop, wait patiently, and listen.  It's easy to be grateful when things are going our way, according to our plan, our 'will'; it's much harder when it hurts, forces change upon you, and/or shatters your dreams.  Similarly, I believe we all have a preconceived notion of what help should look like; if it doesn't show up in that form, we don't recognize it.  Sometimes His help comes in unexpected ways or from unexpected places; it can take the shape of a casserole, a card or a call.  It may arrive in a box from California, or in a story written in the community newspaper.  Sometimes it comes from a verse of scripture penetrating my ignorance, as it did with Psalm 34:18; or in a line from a movie I've seen a hundred times.  I've found His comfort through writing and even recently speaking, trying to change the world, one bracelet at a time...  Help always, always arrives when I ask for it...

You are correct in that I don't feel completely 'delivered'; I don't expect to be, and I'm not sure I want to be...  I certainly don't relish the heartache, but it constantly reminds me to lean toward God and trust Him with everything, no matter how large or small...”

One day, I’ll be set free…until then, I’ll continue to lift my eyes toward the hills…

National Teen Driver Safety Week is this week, October 17-24, 2010; please email me at rememberbrian@mindspring.com if you would like free ‘Remember Brian 06-12-08’ bracelets to serve as a visual cue to ignore cell phones while behind the wheel.  Requests for drivers of all ages are welcome!

Wishing you sunshine and always, hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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