Moms Columns & Blogs

Does heaven have windows?

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As I gaze up into this dark and starry night, I have to wonder: does heaven have windows?  Are our lost loved ones gazing down upon us even now?  Better still, is it possible they walk among us, unseen and unnoticed, save for an icy breath of air caressing us from origins unknown…?    

What does Brian see if he watches us from his perch in heaven?  Does he think of us and this world he abruptly left behind?  We can think of nothing else…  

Do we remotely resemble his family?  I think so…though broken and damaged, we’re not destroyed.  Not yet, anyway…  But the struggle to accept his absence here is without a doubt the hardest thing we have ever faced together; the effort to reconcile ourselves to this unforgiving truth is changing us as surely as I write these words…  

Each of us copes so differently; almost nine months later, and we are still never in the same place at the same time...I’m coming to accept we may never be.  I have realized that our grief and way of grieving is as unique to each of us as our individual thumbprints…  Some things you cannot change.  Brian’s loss… Our singular pain…  

John retreats into himself, performing both roles, slave and master; he hides in the depths of the garage, withdrawing from us as often as possible to wrestle his anger in private.  Like her dad, Beth mostly forces her grief back down where it stays hidden to the naked eye.  She positively channels some of it during times of outreach at Elevation Church and occasionally it shows in abrupt changes to her hair color.  Grace stays on the road, racing between groups of friends in an endless quest for a friendship fit that is irreplaceable; at least she is talking to someone besides herself.  I know I spend far too much time thinking, questioning, and trying to figure out what comes next; can we possibly bring something good out of our loss?  

If I’m honest, if Brian is looking, what he sees is a house full of lonely people, living under the same roof but isolated and adrift on a great ocean of sadness…    

Are we stuck?  Probably, but isn’t that as it should be?  We built our life from our cumulative experiences up until that horrible day; it is ridiculous to believe 36-plus weeks later, we would know how to do any of this…    

When your heart is broken, you simply do the best you can; as Blaise Pascal so eloquently said, “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.”  Hopefully Brian sees that too...  

Wishing you blessings and hope…tg  

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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