Moms Columns & Blogs

Making 50?

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Silence hangs overhead like a stone, heavy, ominous, constant…  So unlike our home before everything changed…this uncharacteristic hush is now the status quo, broken up by periodic intervals of harsh words and flaring tempers.  What happened to the joyful noise and easy laughter?  Vanished, without a trace, as if it had never been in residence from the start…

Brian walked into my dreams last night, never uttering a word…  He stood across the room, near the doorway, still as a statue, watching me…  I awoke irrationally angry, trickling tears, absurdly wondering why he didn’t say a single word?  The entire vision probably lasted a few seconds, minutes at the most, melting away the instant my eyes fluttered open, like all dreams do…  I had so much I wanted to say; I planned to pull him into the tightest bear hug I could manage, never to let go…  But time ran out in my make believe world, just as it did in my real one…

My sister left today after a weeklong visit.  I’m afraid the strain evident in our household has infected her too…  She had a panic attack while driving home from visiting our family in Columbia; traveling alone, she somehow managed to get off the interstate, pulled into a gas station parking lot, and called 911.  We raced to the ER in Chester, SC, uncertain of what was going on.  I cannot explain the panic I felt as the miles flew by, my wild imagination spiraling out of control...  Thank God it was nothing more serious, but clearly, something is amiss…

My in-laws, Jerry and June, are due to arrive Thursday, coinciding with the first round of the Quail Hollow (formerly Wachovia) Championship golf tournament.   In past years, this was their day to go watch, sometimes with John, and possibly Brian, though usually he couldn’t afford to miss school.  For the first time since it began, we didn’t order tickets.  Our decision had nothing to do with the banking turmoil; it was because this event was such a big deal to Brian…  Without him here, it seems pointless…another part of our old life we haven’t the will to maintain.  Maybe one day…

It’s just as well; my in-laws are leaving bright and early Friday morning, flying to Hawaii to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.  In this day and age, what an amazing and wonderful accomplishment…  My grandparents are the only other couple I’ve known who managed to weather life’s storms longer, staying together until the day my grandfather passed away.  They faced many challenges over the course of their marriage, including the loss of a child.  My grandparents never surrendered, never gave up, and never walked away from each other, even when it would have been the easier thing to do… 

I hope and pray John and I can follow both examples and do the same…  I’m giving it all I’ve got, hanging on with all my might…  Please, Lord, let it be enough…

Wishing you sunshine and hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator

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