Moms Columns & Blogs

This little light...

blog post photo

Where, exactly, is that noise coming from?  I keep hearing something…a sort of buzzing, droning sound…  I look around the room to see if anyone else has noticed, but apparently I am alone in my observation.  I slip away to my bedroom, but fail to escape it…with a start I realize this racket is originating entirely in my head…  

I suppose I really shouldn’t be surprised; I feel stretched and brittle, like I’ve been overexposed to the elements.  I guess in a sense I have, except that in my case it has been shock and anger instead of wind and rain.  At least with Mother Nature, you can seek shelter…  When the turmoil comes from within your mind, then what?  As I’ve told my children for many years, no matter where you go, there you are…  

The holiday season has started, and I cannot stand it.  Everywhere I turn, there are signs of festivity, merrymaking and happiness.  Which is fine; the rest of the world must go on.  But consider the contrast with my house, where all you see is grief, ire and sadness…  We barely get through a day of this new ‘normal’; I cannot imagine how we are going to endure this season of celebration.  It is just impossible for us to believe that Brian is never coming home…  My strategy of the moment: I. Refuse. To. Think. About. It.  Any of it.  Facing Brian’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, my birthday…  We only just held it together for Grace’s.  And we didn’t make it unscathed; none of them are speaking again.  It is still war between Grace and her daddy and sister…  Combine John smothering her with Beth acting like a second string mini-mom, and the result is Grace with a chip on her shoulder the size of an oak tree and a bad attitude to match.  Group counseling was a bust…  

Today I did manage to find one reason to be glad for the avalanche of Christmas merchandise in front of me; I found an electric window candle at Hobby Lobby.  In honor of Brian’s upcoming birthday, I decided to make a statement by putting one in his bedroom window.  My small effort towards staying positive...  This outward gesture signifies many things: it is my declaration to the world that Brian’s light continues to shine, even though he has gone on; that our love for him endures, today and always; it is a visible reminder to keep seeking the light, especially when darkness is close and calling my name; it represents the hope that burns in my broken heart…and my unshakable faith that there is a plan…  

Wishing you hope…TG  

If you would like a ‘Remember Brian’ bracelet and you haven’t been able to reach me previously, please send your request and mailing address to rememberbrian@mindspring.com. 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

  Comments