Moms Columns & Blogs

Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Well hot dang.  It’s almost Valentine’s Day.  Time to go out and buy your sweetie something he/she will almost certainly treasure for all of five minutes. 

Now, you could show your beloved your bland and unoriginal side by purchasing roses or candy in a heart shaped box, or you could show him/her your wild side by purchasing something from my Valentine’s Day gift guide.  These gifts are sure to fan the flames of passion in your paramour (or your spouse, if you’re not a politician).  You’re welcome.

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Guys, if your beloved is anything like mine she sometimes wears pants, sometimes skirts.  And you know how long it takes her to get ready in the morning-  “do these pants go with this blouse or should I wear a skirt?”  “It’s a little too warm for pants but I might feel chilly in a skirt.”

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Well, why not solve her dressing dilemma by spending $780 on skants-  a garment that is described as “a skirt/pant conglom” AND amazingly doesn’t match anything.  I promise nothing will get your gal’s motor running quite like these “skants”. 

 

I know economic times are kind of tough and $780 sounds like a lot for a pair of skants, so I’m going to give you gentlemen an inside tip-  just give her an ugly sweater and tell her to put her legs in the sleeves.  The look is the same-- Hot Hot Hot!

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Now this next one is for the guys, and a little racey, but since we’re adults here I’m going to go ahead.  There are many great games one can play with a deck of cards.  And we’ve all heard of the naughty playing cards that feature women in all manner of provocative poses. 

I’m not going to suggest you purchase such cards, and frankly I wouldn’t know where to go about doing so- but I do know where you can find playing cards that would make the many great card games just that much better.  For $4.99 at ThinkGeek will send you “The Ladies of Star Wars” playing cards.   I really can’t think of a guy that this isn’t a great gift for.  Oh, and gold bikini Leah is the Queen of Hearts.  Wowza!

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Hey, by the way, while you’re at ThinkGeek it really wouldn’t hurt to pick up a couple of those USB Humping Dogs I recommended on my Christmas gift guide.  Those really are a gift for any occasion.

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Finally, let’s face it.  Despite my bravado at the opening, most guys, myself included, are probably going to get their gals roses for Valentine’s Day.  But before you plunk down a lot of money on flowers that, no matter how lovely, are eventually going to desiccate and be tossed why not at least consider a more sustainable alternative?  Say... hmm… I don’t know… maybe roses made out of elephant poop?  What girl wouldn’t swoon over receiving elephant poop roses?  I know mine will!

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While I think most of us feel that Valentine’s Day is a holiday created by the floral, confection, and greeting card industries I know must of us also feel that we need to share some kind of gift with our beloved on February 14th.  I promise that if you select a gift off of this list you and your loved one will have an unforgettable Valentine’s Day while also telling the powerful flower, candy, and card cartels to stuff it.

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