Moms Columns & Blogs

The return of dreams...

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The man in the moon marches across the sky, mocking me, as always…  I cannot find the path to peaceful sleep…it will not come easily, no matter how desperate my need...  Logically I know that I must rest, and yet my logical mind will not allow it…

So does the collapse of future hopes and plans in your waking life change what appears in your dreams?  So far, for me, the answer is maybe…  The first few months after Brian’s accident, I hardly dreamed at all…at least I have no recollection of doing so.  Before then, I was frequently able to bring random snippets from la-la-land to mind…    

Throughout my life, I have endured many dreams, nightmares really, with two recurring themes: plane crashes and tornados.  Their periodic appearance has surely been a statement of sorts by my type-A personality.  The fact that I haven’t had a dream along these lines is quite strange, given the lack of control and order in my new life…  

Whether it is because my mind finally reached a critical point of exhaustion or due to some other unknown reason, I have started to dream of Brian…  Many times since that awful day I have awoken to a damp pillow and tightly constricted chest, with no specific recall, just my prevailing, pervasive grief.  Here recently, I have begun to remember…  In my first dream Brian simply appeared in a doorway, across the room from me.  I started walking toward him; before I could get there, he turned away and disappeared through the same doorway...  I awoke to a fresh shower of tears and a newfound sense of frustration.  Several weeks later, I had a different dream…  In this one, I arrived at the hospital and he was propped up on a gurney, halfway sitting, with his eyes closed.  When I started talking to him, he opened his eyes…  I began telling him it would be okay; his dad was parking the car and would be there in just a minute; please hang on; we love him so much; we were going to get through this…  He never said a word; he just looked up at me, his big brown eyes glistening…  The hospital staff came to take him away, so I turned, yelling for John, and I woke up…  

I am not sure why I was afraid to dream of Brian…  He looked the same, but he acted different...  Anyone who knew him would agree that Brian couldn’t stay quiet for any length of time…  I have decided these dreams are a blessing of sort, allowing me the opportunity to say all of the things I would have, had our time not run out…  

Wishing you hope…TG 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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