Moms Columns & Blogs

Different pain...

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May 2009

The world surrounding us has erupted, a showy display of things warm, bright, and beautiful…  Tangible evidence that even the coldest, darkest of seasons cannot last forever…  If only it gave me a clue as to the duration of ours…

One thing is for sure, this newfound physical pain reminds me I’m still here, alive…hanging on…  It’s vastly different from my resident heartache. So often I struggle with feelings of fun and enjoyment, as in how can I possibly?  Now I’m having trouble with the opposite end of the spectrum…perhaps this, I deserve?

I noticed it on the spring break car ride to the beach; a strange pressure point materialized overnight on my lower back.  I couldn’t find a comfortable position, leaning back or sitting up; either resulted in a sharp pinching sensation.  I felt around and realized there was a large lump.  I asked John and Grace to look at it; both unanimously declared it ‘Gross!’

More than ten years ago, I discovered a small knot about the size of a nickel in the same general area of my back.  I had it checked out, was diagnosed as a benign fatty tissue tumor...  Harmless, unsightly, but no big deal.  I pretty much forgot about it; didn’t hurt, out of sight, out of mind… 

My recent strategy of ignoring the discomfort quit working.  This thing has grown too big to be denied.  Playing more than a set of tennis, lifting a full laundry basket, toting groceries or my briefcase, sleeping flat on my back…routine activities have become increasingly difficult.  Painful.  Apparently, the lipoma has grown large enough to ‘pop’ in and out of the muscle tissue below it, causing pain and inflammation to radiate across my back.  I could deal with the ache if I could get things done; groceries and laundry don’t wait long for any mom…

Over a decade, nothing.  No change.  Why now?  What’s different?  Everything…  I’ve come to expect the daily (sometimes hourly) emotional roller coaster ride…but this?  Caught completely off-guard.   Ten months later, I thought I was doing a fair job of dealing with my new life, especially compared to the rest of the family…  Evidently not.  I wonder how many other ways stress and grief will unexpectedly rear its ugly head down the road?   Ugh-I’m going to put that thought out of my mind; I don’t have energy to waste worrying about what could happen.  I’ve got my hands full with right here, right now...  I’ll leave tomorrow’s worry in His hands…

Please join me!  Our Children's Memorial Walkway invites anyone grieving loss of a loved one to come to a special spring memorial service April 24, 2010 at 2 PM at Our Children's Memorial Walkway and Garden in Frazier Park, 1201 West 4th Street. Families who have lost a loved one of any age are invited to bring a lawn chair and attend.

Wishing you sunshine and hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator

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