Moms Columns & Blogs

I love THAT child!

blog post photo MedCenter Air helicopter

How can I carry this heavy heart around and remain upright?  The weight has knocked me to my knees yet again…  While brushing my teeth each morning I tell myself that today will be the day to take a teeny, infinitesimal step toward reconciling this impossible, unchangeable situation…  Unfailingly, something ambushes me and I burst into flames; only smoldering ashes remain…  

After leaving the office today I stopped by the farmer’s market located on Kings Drive.  My sudden desire to cook fresh vegetables overshadowed my awareness of location and my aversion to shopping in any capacity.  I parked at the back and began making my way through the stands, taking in the inviting array of items for sale…  Green heads of lettuce, a rainbow of peppers, pickling cucumbers and crookneck squash, shucked silver queen corn, purple-green pods of Crowder peas and bins of butter beans…  Home grown and heirloom tomatoes, ripened red raspberries, early mountain blueberries, and baskets of juicy freestone peaches…  I was last here on June 10th…on that particular evening, I prepared my own version of southern comfort: meatloaf, snap beans, squash casserole, creamed corn, Crowder peas, cukes in cider vinegar, sliced tomatoes…  I got really mad and pitched a hissy fit; after all of the effort, Brian made plans again (for the umpteenth day in a row) to eat supper with his friends (Rookies this time) instead of at home with us.  Friends were first and foremost in his mind…it was hard to accept being cast aside, day after day after day; supper was our standing ‘come together’ time.  

In short order, I completed my tour of colorful displays, filling multiple bags past the point of comfortable ease, and wobbling to a checkout.  My turn came, and I started unloading my collection of white plastic sacks, making mindless small talk with the cashier, and then, without warning…  

Whump…whump…whump…  ‘What?  I’m sorry…’  My train has jumped the tracks; I have no idea of what I was just saying (where is it where am I cannot be here got to go must get away from this place it’s too close cannot breathe beam me up PLEASE).  I am stricken, panicked like the proverbial deer caught in headlights…  I desperately struggle to recall the errant thread of conversation so I can flee this place with a shred of dignity...  Unsure of what to do or say, the cashier offers to help me to my car with my purchases…  I haltingly try to explain why the sounds of the helicopter have affected me so terribly…  In my quest to find solace through the simple preparation of a meal, I have literally lost my bearings; I forgot the proximity of the market to Carolinas Medical Center main hospital and therefore Med Center Air…  This ordinary sound, heralding an unseen flight, has wrenched me back to that agonizing place…to the very last time I saw my son alive, as he hurtled past us to the idling air ambulance, my husband’s promise to him echoing in my ears…   

After hearing my stumbling explanation, she asked if we had other kids.  “We have two daughters,” was my response.  “Well, at least you still have them.”  This lady did help me, but not in the way she imagined.  The shock of anger and indignation that swept over me cleared the cloudy memories obscuring my mind…and I was able to leave without hesitation.  

Upon reflection, I know her words were well intended, meant to remind me that there is still a life to be lived here.  But somehow, that short sentence made me feel as if neither Brian’s life nor his death mattered…like we should be okay with losing him because we have additional children.  I am very grateful for our girls, but the anguish born of his loss cannot be soothed by any other...  I love THAT child; Brian is special and precious and irreplaceable…  My memories and love will not be dumped into a box, to be stored in the dusty dark corner of our attic, as if he was never here at all…  He lives on through me…  I will carry him in my heart and on my mind, always remembering, continually speaking, until one fine day…  

Original blog posts have been re-posted under the month of March, identified as Archive-Part 1, etc.  Informal support group…meeting at Panera Bread, Matthews, NC on Saturday, April 25, 2009 @ 10:00 am.  Please send a message if you plan to attend…  Wishing you hope… TG  

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator 

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