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The other night, I was continuing my pattern of ‘political obliviousness is bliss’ while the election returns were pouring in. John and the girls were watching play by play, flipping channels, seeing who had the latest updates; I contented myself with reading the newspaper, blocking out the noise around me. I stumbled across an article introducing the bloggers of the momscharlotte site; I wondered what it was all about… Eventually I gave in to my nagging curiosity; with Beth’s help, I found the site and read some of the blogs posted there. They were informative… funny... entertaining… intelligent… inspiring… Never having read a blog before, I didn’t know what to expect; after reading a few, I was in awe. Especially of Judie’s journey, written by a mother battling breast cancer…
Just after Brian’s accident, I began writing again for the first time in many, many years. Despite my grief-induced stupor, I recognized I had to have an outlet besides solo crying jags in the car… I needed somewhere to let go as I struggled down this winding path of pain. My journal is that place... It is an essential component in my battle against the darkness edging ever closer. As impossible as it seems, this small collection of lined pages is a safe haven, a stronghold where I force the shadowy thoughts into the light… The cover reads: “You don’t write because you want to say something. You write because you’ve got something to say.” -Anonymous
In the weeks that followed his death, I desperately searched for a book, an article, an interview, something… Anything that would tell me as honestly as possible about this type of experience. From the first moment. The crazy thoughts. The agonizing pain. The quest for a reason to keep breathing. To keep trying. To no avail. I have stacks of hastily acquired volumes scattered around... All devoid of the message I was seeking. I wanted to hear the truth from someone who passed this way before me and somehow managed to carry on...
I have considered the words that spill from the tip of my pen in the context of that anonymous quote… Do I have something to say? I do, insofar as I am trying to share what I could not find for myself. It is my view from this side of the window, glimpses of life after losing Brian. But does my jumbled collection of words convey anything useful? Do they illuminate anything other than our pain? Only Heaven knows…
Wishing you hope…TG
If you would like a ‘Remember Brian’ bracelet and you haven’t been able to reach me previously, please send your request and mailing address to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays. -- Jen, site administrator