Another summer day has come and gone… Darkness is not my friend… I have found that it is far easier to be brave when sunshine is plentiful and streaming all around me… Moonbeams and twinkling stars do nothing to illuminate this ebony twilight, now that one of my stars has fallen…
What a labyrinth of volatile emotions and thoughts…irrational and angry one moment, then sad and depressed the next… Although I once knew happiness and joy, my consuming grief has obliterated any trace of those feelings. I hope and believe that I will know them again someday, but when, only heaven knows… There is an undeniable restlessness in my spirit…but what else to do? I am a semi-functioning zombie, performing a full complement of activities, although I have no recollection of doing more than simply surviving the day. That’s all I am trying to do…survive the next breath, and maybe the one after that. If I accomplish anything at all, it is merely a consequence of deeply ingrained responses, not the result of conscious decisions.
My stacks of stuff scattered about the house are making John crazy. I have taken over our guest room and divided it into zones: Brian’s corner, where anything pertaining to him, the accident, and aftermath are located; the reading corner, where all of the books pertaining to grief and coping are stacked up and falling over; the paper trail corner, where any receipts, statements, financial items and miscellaneous notes are dumped once I handle them; and the binge hobby corner, where I have put the randomly acquired skeins of yarn, cross stitch kits, and craft items that initially seemed interesting, but lost any appeal once home. This ordered disorganization makes perfect sense to me, but to John, it reinforces how out of control our life is. I don’t really care…it’s my room, my mess, and I will deal with it when I am able… I know he wonders, ‘Who is this strange woman in my life? Where is the organized person, the one I married who stayed on top of things?’ Ask no more…she has disappeared; Mrs. Type A has gone away…
While sorting through parts of the piles today, I discovered a bag from Hobby Lobby. I had completely forgotten about it, since this purchase was made the day before Brian’s accident. I went there Wednesday morning in search of a tiny trinket, something small but encouraging for a friend who was undergoing chemotherapy. When my mom fought breast cancer in 1999, I found little token gifts to raise her spirits, especially during the week following a treatment. After a brief search, I came across the perfect thing…a white ceramic tile with a silk ribbon for hanging, a daisy-type flower in the center, and the word ‘Whatever’ below it. Each petal has a different word…pure, lovely, admirable, true, noble, and right… The copyright stamp on the reverse side says ‘Mustard Seeds 2007’…
I should go and take this small offering to her as I am sure she could use some cheer, but perhaps it is good that I haven’t just yet… I really needed to see these words myself. Starting right now, I am committing to use this as an inspiration point, planting a seed in my own mind… When I am awake and alone, with only the blackness of night and painful memories for hushed companions, I am going to remember this little tile and think only of the ‘Whatever’ words, bringing my thoughts back into the light…
I re-posted the old blogs under archive headers last weekend. They may be found in the month of March. Thank you for your continued support. Wishing you hope… TG
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays. -- Jen, site administrator
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