Moms Columns & Blogs

'Tis the Season

‘Tis the season…  Boxes of different sizes, wrapped in shiny paper, tied with curly ribbon and topped with a bow…  Brightly colored bags, fluffy tissue peeping from the top, hiding treasures down below…  Not yet…  Not in our home…  

For practically my entire adult life, I handled all of my Christmas details by early December.  Not only was my shopping complete, but the wrapping, tree trimming, and Christmas cards were done; baking cookies was the only item left on my to-do list…  I’m sure this extreme degree of organization is directly related to the numerous chaotic holidays of my childhood, not to mention my tremendous dislike of crowded malls and innate aversion to shopping in general…  None of that matters anymore…  This year is different; I haven’t begun a single thing.  Don’t know if I can…  

The struggle to get through each day is far more difficult than it was in the beginning; back then, sheer disbelief provided us a layer of protection.  Our shock was so great, we simply didn’t care what went on around us, or what anyone thought.  It was all we could do to exist…  Fast forward to today…  We are dealing with the emotions and activities of the season full on; there is no buffer, nothing to dilute the pain of Brian’s absence.  I think it must be similar to having root canals without anesthesia, or maybe breaking the same toe thousands of times.  House anxiety level, through the roof; tension, palpable; hostility, barely contained.  With the constant barrage of cheerful advertising, holiday music and expectations to maintain, a complete breakdown may be forthcoming in my immediate future…  

The delicate façade we show the world is brittle; new fractures appear almost hourly…  It is hard to maintain composure you do not feel, and pretend peace you do not enjoy.  The last thing I want to do is make someone else sad or project my sorrow, but I have reached the point where I can no longer fake being okay for someone else’s sake…  We’re not okay…  It’s not okay…  

I’m giving myself permission to shed the mask, if only for tonight…  Hopefully, tomorrow I will be strong enough to pretend, once again, and maybe even believe it for a while…  

Wishing you hope…tg

Thanks to both Darin Morton and Gary Cooper of State Farm Insurance, we have additional ‘Remember Brian’ bracelets to share.  Please send your request and mailing address to rememberbrian@mindspring.com . 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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