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May, 2009

I never realized how much the human heart can withstand…  At every turn, I’m ambushed and challenged by emotions, mine and those of my family.  Busying my hands and mind to the point of collapse is exacerbating the mood swings, but I don’t know how to stop myself from doing it anyway…

Beth has been really, really sick this week; some undiagnosed medical issue necessitated spending two nights in the ER over three days, nearly pushing me into the abyss.  I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin as the minutes trickled by, doing my best to maintain my composure, not freak out and make a break for it…  Thankfully our cousin Ashleigh came to keep me company the first night, my aunt & uncle the next.  While it was a different hospital and entirely different circumstances, still… It was one of my children… In pain… Requiring assistance I couldn’t provide…

Initially, the doctors thought it was her appendix; after ruling that out, a kidney stone was considered.  The second night they examined her for an ovarian cyst, eventually sending us home without a definitive diagnosis, armed with pain and nausea medication, and suggestions of stomach flu or a mental problem.  I went from numb to livid in the instant it took to inhale.  Upset doesn’t even begin to describe my fury at the physician’s nonchalant attitude.  I informed him that in more than 20 years of parenting three children I had NEVER, EVER taken one to the ER for such severe, continuous abdominal pain.  Or anything else, for that matter.  I didn’t bother to mention that my only ER visit with one of my kids was last year with Brian, or the anniversary several weeks hence.  Maybe I should have, if for no other reason than to remind the doctor you never know what someone is dealing with beyond what they allow you to see…  Beth is finally feeling a little better, so perhaps our family practitioner can figure out what’s going on.

I feel so out of control and over the top; it’s like I have too much of everything and absolutely nothing at the same time…  I’m digging in, wrapping my hope in a full nelson, and refusing to let it go.  That’s the one thing I cannot possibly have enough of…

We are giving away ‘Remember Brian 06-12-08’ bracelets again for the second anniversary. Please email  if you are interested with your mailing address & I will gladly send one (or more) to you!  Also, if you are in need of a replacement, I have plenty to share!

Wishing you many blessings, sunshine and hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator