Moms Columns & Blogs

Drive

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I feel sick to my stomach, panicky, ready to bolt from this crowded room, dragging her kicking and screaming if necessary…  It’s too soon.  I don’t think I can do this…I’m not ready…  Is Grace ready?  She thinks so, but we, her parental units, most definitely are not.  

So here I sit, watching helplessly as the second hand spins round and round, a bland, generic clock face whisking me ever closer to a new collision of dreams (hers) and nightmares (ours).  There is an irrational fear creeping up my spine, threatening to overwhelm my ability to reason; it must have escaped its tether in my dark place of brokenness again…  

We had to force Beth to take her driving test.  She didn’t want to; she flat out refused to do it.  She was terrified...for good reason.  Around the time she was eligible for her permit, we stumbled across a car accident on the edge of our neighborhood.  Within minutes of it happening.  The driver was attempting to make a left turn out of the opposite neighborhood, and was struck in the driver’s door by an SUV traveling approximately 45-50 miles per hour.  Beth knew the young man from many years on the same school bus; he had just obtained his driver’s license and been given a car.  We called 911…  His passenger was standing beside the wreckage; David, however, was still inside…  He looked to be asleep; unfortunately, we later learned he passed away from his injuries.  I had completely forgotten why Beth refused to drive for so long…thinking back, did it portend of things to come for us?  

Brian was her exact opposite; he couldn’t wait to start driving.  Frankly, he was highly ticked off with me for holding him back an extra year.  Apparently his time on our riding lawn mower, assorted golf carts, and untold hours playing video games convinced him he was good to go.  Or maybe it was something else altogether, something innate to boys…  Great…just what I need right now…images of Brian belting out Alan Jackson’s ‘Drive’, his brown eyes begging me to let him get behind the wheel…  

Oh boy, here she comes…  Grace is grinning from ear to ear, so I guess she did it.  I’d better choke back the bile, paste a smile on my face, and pretend I’m thrilled…  Her hand is stretched out, reaching for my key while the DMV agent from my last trip looks on knowingly…   

I steel myself for her reaction; ‘Sorry, Gray, not yet.’    

‘WHY?’  She is about to erupt…tears, expletives, both?  Hard to say…  

‘Because there is no way you are making a left turn out of THIS parking lot today; I don’t want to hear it, so shut it.  It’s non-negotiable.  That turn scares me, and I’m an experienced driver.  I’m not ready to deal with it from the passenger seat.  Not this particular place in the road.’  

I can see her wheels turning, measuring my intent and sincerity.  Nasty scene averted.  For the moment.  

Is she even a little afraid?  I really cannot tell with her anymore.  Deep breaths, tg, deep cleansing breaths…  Am I looking at this the wrong way?  Is it wrong to deny her any opportunity to practice?  Doesn’t matter…  I have to be able to stare my fear down first, giving it to Him.  Only it keeps coming right back, suffocating me…  I guess I’ll have to do it minute by minute, forking it over as many times as it takes.  Wow.  I think I’m looking at infinity and beyond…  

Lord, help me get started by pulling into the Harris Teeter parking lot and giving her the wheel…well, maybe the entrance into Farmwood would be better…  

Wishing you hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator      

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