Moms Columns & Blogs


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November, 2009

Autumn leaves blanket the driveway and yard, assurance of the season’s end close at hand...  I watch as he blows them off our beaten path, an exercise in futility, for a newly emancipated crop drifts lazily down behind him…  John presses on, nevertheless…resolute, determined, intent upon conquering the piles, if only for that single moment of feeling in control.

A fitting metaphor for our lives as a whole… 

It’s maddening…literally…how much we miss our old lives, our old routines, our Brian…  Except it’s hard to stay angry with someone who’s gone; it’s much easier to overreact and raise hell with each other or simpler yet to turn it inward, where it festers instead…  No wonder families fall apart after the unthinkable happens…  Many nights I lie awake, questioning our chances; are we going to survive?  Are we destined to become another statistic?  What about the girls?  How are we failing our daughters in our grief-stricken state?  Only time will tell…

For the first time in more than seventeen months, Beth took a break; she flew to visit a friend in Texas for a few days.  I’m glad she went, but I worried the entire time she was gone, more so than I would have previously.  Especially since she didn’t check in with us, other than when the plane landed.  Either she needed to escape, or she’s finally relaxed her self-imposed babysitting role.  Maybe both, but I’m thinking it’s more the former…

Meanwhile Grace floored us with her latest idea.  She mentioned skipping her senior year at Butler and finishing her diploma coursework at Stanly Community College. “So many people are already doing it Dad, and with the upheaval, changes and budget cuts at CMS, it might be for the best.”  Yeah, right.  As if that is enough of a reason.  He didn’t buy it, but at least he didn’t flip out.  Not yet, anyway.  I know that changes in circumstances alter the best laid plans; no question things are vastly different.  And I know Grace feels much older than her friends now; still, I believe this standard expectation needs to be pursued to its logical end.  It’s well within her reach and an important symbolic milestone for us all.  Funny how something we would have never given a moment’s thought before has been floated for consideration…

Which has become a common theme for me…  I continually find myself in unfamiliar places doing things I never dreamed I would do.  So many opportunities have come my way to share Brian’s story with teenagers that the time has come to try and set up a nonprofit.  A daunting endeavor I know absolutely nothing about, but vital to my mission and message; I need a way to fund ongoing bracelet purchases for these kids other than relying upon the generosity of Darin and Gary from State Farm, or my own household budget.  Not exactly the best of economic times to do such a thing, but if not now, when?

Praying the prayer that never fails…  “We live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

Wishing you sunshine and always, hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator