Tracy Lee Curtis

Invisible Boyfriend app gives this mom an unreal idea

There’s a new app to fool people into believing you’re in a relationship. The Invisible Boyfriend app. You design your dream guy – give him a name, photo, interests and personality. And for $24.99 a month, you can feel the effects of a rewarding virtual partner with the app that sends you texts, voice mails and a handwritten note from the perfect person you created.

Okay, am I the only one who sees the glaring problem with this? A boyfriend who doesn’t exist clearly won’t be able to meet your needs. Seriously, who’s going to pay for dinner?

Besides, the way I see it, we don’t need to experience the fake man of our dreams. We need the fake children of our dreams.

So as a more useful alternative to Invisible Boyfriend, I’m introducing Outtasight Offspring. For two casseroles and one offer to drive carpool a month, you can feel the effects of a rewarding virtual child with the app that sends you texts, voice mails and a handwritten note (from camp) from the perfect kid you created.

No preppy, pretentious names to choose from, just the top names from the 1980s. And unlike Imaginary Boyfriend’s personality choices of sweet, shy, sexy and sarcastic, you’ll get to pick from traits like resilient, obedient, consistent and persistent.

Interest choices include Making Straight A’s, Doing Chores, and Looking People in the Eye. And photo choices will be kids with brushed hair, straight teeth, wearing a collared shirt. Because if you’re like me, you can never find one when you need it.

And then just enjoy your perfect child. Go on, text him, he texts you right back! Because you are his world and he is so happy to be connected to you:

Mom: “How’s your day?”

Son: “Awesome! You were right, there’s so much to learn! Our lunar study is so cool. Remember when I went to camp and you said look at the moon because you would be looking at it too and it would make me feel good? I love that memory.”

Mom: “Me too.”

He’ll ask for your advice. And leave messages about school and his girlfriends. And whether it’s making the dean’s list, MVP, or captain of the debate team, you’ll get all the updates. And all the credit …

Son: “It’s just like you said, Mom. When I apply myself, I can do anything. Thanks for always encouraging me. Harvard’s going to be amazing.”

The Invisible Boyfriend app promotes: “Finally. A boyfriend your friends can believe in” as it convinces pesky friends asking if you’re seeing anyone. And Outtasight Offspring will certainly satisfy the family inquisition of “how are the kids?”

“Are you kidding me?” flashing your phone, “just look at these texts!” Everyone will be so impressed with how great your kid is turning out. It might even get under the skin of your REAL children and get their rears in gear.

So download it today. Outtasight Offspring – Finally. A child you can’t even believe is real.

tcurtis@charlotteobserver.com

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