I’ve had the weirdest dreams since Donald Trump announced he’s running for president …
The day he descended the escalator in the lobby of Trump Tower to Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In The Free World” to make his announcement, I dreamed he arrived via elevator, in a Holiday Inn, to Neil Young’s “Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere.” So weird.
Then I dreamed that during the first Republican debate, Trump offered to bow out if the other candidates would let him host a competition he called “The Presidential Apprentice,” in which the prize would be a four-year presidency.
But Jeb Bush said no, that it sounded like a TV show. Ted Cruz said he would do it if he could change his name to Tom. And Chris Christie, who’s not running but was there for some reason, asked if it would be televised – something about the camera adding 10 pounds.
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Then I dreamed I was in the lobby of Trump Tower with Donald’s first two wives, Ivana and Marla. They were together, having buried the hatchet over their infamous cat fight in Aspen that ended Ivana’s marriage. They ran up to Trump’s third wife, Melania, asked if she wanted to go skiing sometime, and started laughing their heads off. And then went to find Neil Young.
Then I dreamed Trump was president, and I was a correspondent in the briefing room and got the first question:
“Mr. President,” I began, “Your ex-wife, Ivana, appeared in the movie “The First Wives Club,” with the memorable line, ‘Remember, girls: don’t get mad, get everything.” So my question to you, sir is … did she?”
Then there was a flash of cameras and all the reporters were yelling, “Answer the question! Answer the question!” And then Ivana yelled from backstage, “Everything but his skis, I told him to keep ’em!” The press laughed and Trump got mad and hurled gold coins at them.
And then I was with the press on that escalator going up and next to us Oprah was on the escalator coming down. And she hollered to us that she doesn’t want to be Trump’s running mate – but she’s gonna loan him her stylist to fix his hair. And then we all leaned over and high-fived her all the way down.
I dreamed that Bill Clinton was there and wanted to know if this meant he and Trump couldn’t play golf again. And Rudy Giuliani was like, “You’re out, dude.” And then Clinton said he didn’t have time for golf anyway because his wife was going to be president of the United States.
I dreamed Marco Rubio quit the race, because Trump demanded to see his birth certificate to see if he was of age.
And I dreamed that Neil Young was mad because Trump didn’t have permission to use his song and he supports Bernie Sanders.
Oh, wait – that was actually real …