I got one of those gigantic calendars to hang on the kitchen wall. I’m already tired of everybody asking me what day they have soccer, what day they have lacrosse, and my favorite – What day is it?
The plan is to fill out everybody’s stuff. Every practice, game and tournament. Every school meeting, church event and family birthday. And all the carpools and doctor appointments, teacher workdays and holidays.
I start to fill it in with a Sharpie. But there are several problems with this – the Sharpie takes up too much space, it bleeds through the paper onto the next month, and when you get it all on there, it looks like a giant teleprompter.
Besides I can’t have this in ink, it’s all going to change. Everybody’s fine with the carpool schedule until it’s their day and then the emails start flying with revisions. If Hillary Clinton had just driven soccer carpool, I promise you, the FBI wouldn’t get to the classified stuff until way after the election.
I would do it in pencil and just erase it when I had to. But then there would be eraser shavings all over the floor. I’d have to use my lint roller to get them up, and then what am I gonna use to brush the cat?
I could stick a separate Post-it note on each day. That way I can just pull off the day that’s changed and replace it with a new one. But that’s like 30 Post-it notes. My bulletin board would look like a giant yellow shutter. Maybe I just write out one week at a time. Or tack up one day at a time.
Like these kids will even look at it. When given the choice between reading and just asking the lady behind the kitchen island scrambling eggs, they always go for the live Q and A …
“Mom, what day is it and what are we doing?”
Which gives me an even better idea. They need information and I’m the one holding the spatula behind the podium, er, counter. Maybe a morning press conference is the way to go.
“Good morning, welcome to breakfast and your morning briefing. Today is Thursday. And just to give you some advance information – tomorrow will be Friday.”
“Today calls for a full day of school. You, with the milk mustache, you’ll have soccer practice at 5 p.m.. And you, with the syrup down your shirt, you’ll have lacrosse at 5:30. Following that, you’ll have baths, adhering to our policy of using soap. You’ll be given a nutritious meal, courtesy of the First Lady’s vegetable garden – or more likely, the Harris Teeter. And then due to Mommy’s energy crisis, it’ll be lights out at nine. Any questions?”
“What day is it again?”
Curtis: email@example.com; @TracyLeeCurtis1