Tracy Lee Curtis

Frankly, we don’t need to know what’s in our hot dogs

A report came out this week telling us what’s in our hot dogs. I thought we accepted that we weren’t ever going to know. And we were okay with it, because they’re so danged good. But now we know, and I’m worried about what becomes of our top dog …
A report came out this week telling us what’s in our hot dogs. I thought we accepted that we weren’t ever going to know. And we were okay with it, because they’re so danged good. But now we know, and I’m worried about what becomes of our top dog … File art

A report came out this week telling us what’s in our hot dogs. I thought we accepted that we weren’t ever going to know. And we were OK with it, because they’re so danged good. But now we know, and I’m worried about what becomes of our top dog …

I mean, what happens without hot dogs? Yes, it’s one less choking hazard that we have to cut up into tiny little pieces for our toddlers. And would end the frustration of having to buy 10 dogs per pack, when there are only eight buns per bag. But what happens to all those leftover buns?

And what do we eat from Memorial Day to Labor Day? Americans consume 7 billion hot dogs during that period. The hot dog street vendors would lose their jobs. Everyone traveling through Chicago’s O’Hare airport would starve. They’d have to cancel Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, and I don’t even want to know what happens to the corn dog people.

And what about baseball games? The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council (NHDSC) estimates that baseball fans will eat more than 18.5 million hot dogs during the 2015 Major League season. They also said the average weight of a fully loaded baseball park hot dog vendor’s bin is 40 pounds – they had a quiz on their website that I couldn’t resist taking.

Here’s another one: “Which of these four artists DOES NOT have a song titled “Hot Dog” – Led Zeppelin, Perry Como, Elvis Presley or Three Dog Night? Ironically, it’s the one with the word Dog in it.

I missed this question: “In 2011, a fan threw a hot dog at which famous athlete while he was executing a critical move?” – Tiger Woods, Michael Phelps, Shaquille O’Neal or Peyton Manning.

Here’s the answer: “On the 7th hole at the Fry’s.com Open, a fan threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods while he was lining up to putt. In response, NHDSC President Janet Riley said, ‘The use of an iconic food in an act of violence against an iconic golfer like Tiger Woods is reprehensible –and a violation of hot dog etiquette. Some might call the thrower a “wiener,” but we’d say that’s too high a compliment.’ 

FYI, Riley’s title is actually President and “Queen of Wien.” True.

I also learned that hot dogs are included as a menu item at the Vatican and were one of the first foods eaten on the moon. If we don’t have hot dogs and then find ourselves at the Vatican or on the moon, what will we eat?

One more: “What famous movie character uttered the phrase ‘Nobody, I mean nobody, puts ketchup on a hot dog.’ It was Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry in “Sudden Impact.” And if what he said is true …

Then what happens to all those ketchup packets?

Curtis: tracy@tracyleecurtis.com

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