Supermodel Heidi Klum had lice. What a break for Us Weekly magazine. They’ll now have one of the more relatable items for the November issue … “Stars – They’re Just Like US! They Get Lice.”
So much more relatable than the usual flack – They Ride Bikes, They Pump Gas, They Drink Bottled Water. That doesn’t make them like us, that just makes them normal people who are thirsty and need to get somewhere.
Even when it’s someone like Chrissy Teigen with the caption They Grab Grub At Waffle House. That does resonate – but she’s with John Legend. On a double date with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. And she’s still Chrissy Teigen, so we’re not exactly alike.
They need to make it more honest, especially when it comes to celebrity moms. The mom stuff is universal whether you’re famous or not, so call it like it is. They Forget To Pick Up Their Kids. They Eat Carbs. They Have Panty Lines. They Color Their Roots, They Honor The Five Second Rule and They Make Cereal For Dinner.
Surely, it’ll get truthful now. They’ve got Heidi Klum, who’s a real mom, who’s had a real problem that women across America will completely appreciate. And we, and the blond bombshell, will be one and the same …
But no. The blond they feature is Anne Heche. Sharing a snack with James Tupper with the caption – wait for it – They Share Snacks.
Really? They finally had a chance to draw a real-life comparison between them and us, which I thought was the goal. It’s not like we came up with the segment, it was Us. Not us, it was them. They were the ones trying to bring us into it. We didn’t need to be them, surely they don’t want to be us, and to tell you the truth, I’m glad we’re not them – we are so much better.
Because if they were really being themselves, we’d be reading They Get Lice. They Get Arrested For Tax Evasion. They Write Tell-Alls, They Go To Rehab, They Only Date Each Other and They Remove Tattoos Of Their Exes. They Use The ATM? Give me a break!
If you’re a celebrity trying to prove you’re just like me, then I want to be somebody else. You be you and I’ll be me. And we can stop acting like we have anything in common. I drink from the faucet. And we’ve had lice. Twice.
But thank you, Heidi, for sharing it with Ellen Degeneres. And making us feel like we have something in common with a supermodel, even if it is a scalp-sucking parasitic insect. And thank you, Ellen, for asking Heidi, “Why did we book you on the show?” That’s a really good question; lice can spread very quickly.
As only we would know.