So I’m listening to the caucus coverage on the news, while reading something about Shia LaBeouf spending 24 hours in an elevator, inviting small groups of people to come talk to him.
So it’s no surprise that I dream that I’m trapped in an elevator. With all the presidential candidates. It’s crazy…
At first it’s just Hillary Clinton and me and she’s making notes. Donald Trump gets on and asks if she received his email. She says no, that she’s not able to receive anything that is classified or unclassy.
Then Ben Carson gets on, says hi and asks what’s going on. And when we say hello, he says, “No seriously, what’s going on, am I still a candidate?”
The next time the doors open it’s Bill Clinton and I think he’s getting on. But then he spots his wife and says he’ll catch the next one. And then Marco Rubio and Nikki Haley jump on. And when Trump asks why Nikki’s here, Rubio says they go everywhere together now, because they don’t want to break their second-place winning streak.
And then the doors pop open and it’s Ted Cruz asking if they’re going up. And Trump says, “You’re going down.” Trump calls Cruz two-faced. And then Carson says that until you’ve separated conjoined twins you just can’t appreciate the full meaning of that statement.
Then Bernie Sanders gets on and suggests he might be getting out of the race. He says everybody thinks he’s Larry David, and if he’s being completely honest with the American people, he’d much rather be Larry David than president.
And then Hillary says that’s actually a great strategy because she doesn’t want to be normal, she wants to be president – and Bernie wants to be Larry David – and Larry David just wants to be normal. Everybody wins.
Then John Kasich gets on and bets Trump a million dollars that he can’t name two books of the Bible. And Trump answers Genesis and Phil Collins. And then Ben Carson tells Trump he thought it was funny that The Atlantic called him America’s high-school sweetheart, the one you get embarrassed thinking about decades later.
And then Trump says he’d like to punch him in the face. And then my high school sweetheart who used to get in fights gets on the elevator. And Nikki starts screaming and I tell Hillary to call the Secret Service, but she says the FBI took her phone.
And then the doors open into the atrium of Trump Tower and Donald walks out and fires the elevator operator.
“You can’t fire me, you just hired me,” Chris Christie hollers.
And then I wake up. That dream makes no sense. Everybody knows Trump takes the escalator.