“Mom!” my kids are yelling. “You missed the turn! You always do that, turns don’t like you.”
And I don’t like them. That’s why I ignore them. And then I miss them. Which reminds me of a woman I heard about, who couldn’t make left turns. And so she drove around making all right turns, until she got where she was going.
My kinda girl. If I could, I’d drive straight all day long, until I hit a dead-end. Because there’s something about being in the car where I can just be still. Where I can think for a minute. Or zone for an hour. Away from the phone and the computer and the news, I can just sit with my thoughts.
What do I think about? Nothing. Everything. Nothing and everything. Some days it’s my list of things to do, running through my brain like cherries spinning on a slot machine. Other days, emptiness. I just drive and watch how many streets Providence Road turns into.
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Sometimes I wonder about things. Why do they call them “organized sports”? They aren’t organized. Why won’t Kirsten Gillibrand name names in her new book? Why do I always sneeze right after I’ve just put on mascara? And why on earth did they start putting bacon and cheese in pizza crust? I hope they don’t do that to my chicken pot pies.
Sometimes I’m trying to figure something out. What time should the chicken go in the Crock-Pot if we want to eat at 6? Is there a way to smother it with enough marinara and cheese so that the kids don’t know they’re eating chicken again? And what’s this girl saying in this “I’m So Fancy” song? “Cup of ace, cup of goose, cup of cris” – what is that, is it Crisco? Do people still use Crisco?
And what if I did try to drive all my carpools and run all my errands only making right turns – just start wide on the perimeter and keep circling inward until I wind up in the middle. At the HT. It’d be just like driving carpool – turn right into the dry cleaner, circle around, pick up my clothes, then exit right.
But then again, where’s the fun in that … isn’t it the left turns in life that make it interesting? Yeah, you have to stop and think, brake and be patient – gauge your timing before you make your big move. Whether it’s changing jobs, moving to another city, starting a relationship, or just trying to turn left into PetSmart off South Boulevard in rush hour traffic. If you haven’t had the thrill of beating all that oncoming traffic, you haven’t lived.
Not again. Oh well. Here comes another side street, I’ll just take this left. I’m so fancy. Fancy shmancy. Oh, I got it! Cris is Cristal Champagne!