Living Here Guide

Here are the secrets of life hereabouts

No matter where you go to live, you will find your new home has its peculiarities. Here are ours:

• In no time flat, we can build any kind of arena or stadium you can think of. We just can’t figure out how to add a lane to a highway.

• When the man says, “Gettin’ ’er bolted back up,” he means your car is almost ready.

• Natives don’t lean on the horn when you’re sitting in front of them at a green light gawking at your phone. They walk up and peck on the window to see if you’re still alive. This will scare the daylights out of you the first couple times.

• We have two big lakes. People say they live “up on the lake” or “down on the lake.” That means they live somewhat near a lake, not on a lake. Some of them have never actually seen the lake they live on.

• Only newscasters call it “the Queen City.”

• Interstate 77 through Charlotte is the state’s busiest urban road. There are two signs on it each way for the Billy Graham Library. There are no signs on it for our modern international airport nearby. If you need to go to the modern international airport, follow the signs to the Billy Graham Library and ask the nice people there for directions.

• At our modern international airport, you can find a bookstore, a bank and random piano players. You cannot find a clock.

• If you think we’re backward, visit Raleigh.

• Our best and brightest kids get sent to what we call “the Triangle” for higher education. We call it “the Triangle” because it is a pyramid of mystery. Once there, our kids lose communication with us for about four years. Both sides recognize this is for the best.

• We have drills here to see how we’d act if all the nuclear power plants exploded at once. We call these drills “sleet.”

• We do not plow our roads when it snows because we are religious. Our thinking is, God put it there and God will take it away when He’s done. He’s usually done the same day.

• That guy who came over with a reasonable estimate on your remodeling? He’s never coming back.

• If you’re Baptist and you go into a bar for a beer, you become magically invisible, as do all the other Baptists you don’t see in there.