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Laugh Attacks

JAY LENO

“The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a ‘correction.' Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. ‘Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'”

“And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised last night in Beverly Hills.”

“I understand if you're living in a dumpster, rooting through trash cans, you need a couple bucks, okay. But if you have $1 trillion, don't hit me up for a loan. Think about it. Has anybody ever had $1 trillion and still failed? Okay, besides the New York Yankees.”

DAVID LETTERMAN

“John McCain, did you know this? He was on ‘The View' earlier today. Yup. And I thought to myself, well good Lord, hasn't this man endured enough torture?”

“Sad news: Hugh Hefner is breaking up with his 28-year-old girlfriend. Strange couple: elderly man in his robe and pajamas and a hot, young babe...Oh, wait – that's the Republican ticket.”

JIMMY KIMMEL

“Stock prices are down, major companies are being purchased by the government. It is a bear market and, I have to say, Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us.”

CONAN O'BRIEN

“The other day John McCain appeared on the show ‘The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. She may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, ‘Ladies, you look beautiful.'”

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