I’m not exactly on the ballot, but I do expect to be proclaimed emperor and have already set about the tough business of assembling promises so you will know what magical things are ahead.
Along with peace, prosperity and cute cat videos for all, my platform includes:
▪ Every time you post political screeds on your Facebook page, you have to give everyone on your friend list five bucks.
▪ In elevators, the labor commissioner’s picture will no longer be displayed. A picture of the reigning Miss North Carolina will be substituted.
▪ No more toll lanes.
▪ Addresses must be visible from the street.
▪ New uptown buildings must have architectural flair. If you want to build another boring glass cube, first you have to tear one down.
▪ It will become perfectly acceptable to bumper-shove people into the intersection if they’re sitting at the green light pecking away at texts.
▪ If you buy a house within 10 miles of the airport, you can’t complain about aircraft noise.
▪ To celebrate 100 years of road-building in the state, we finally build a highway between Charlotte and the beach.
▪ Lottery money goes to college scholarships for A and B students.
▪ Instead of saying, “I’ll give you your weekend forecast in just a few minutes,” TV weather people will just say, “It’s going to rain this weekend” or whatever.
▪ If your vanity plate is clever enough to make people smile, you get it for free.
▪ If dozens of the largest companies in the nation cite problems with HB2, we don’t just pretend like they’re the unreasonable ones.
▪ We don’t want to be known for airport parking rates “comparable to those elsewhere.” We want to be known for the lowest in the nation.
▪ Millionaire quarterbacks can’t sulk.
▪ People who adopt rescue pets get a $200 tax break.
▪ Thanksgiving: Big stores close.
▪ We reclaim our image as a progressive Southern state that values higher education.
▪ If your restaurant doesn’t score at least a 90, the health inspection certificate must be posted on the front door.
▪ Everyone under 21 is, like, limited to, like, two “likes” per sentence.
▪ Beginning Nov. 9, we return to civility.