I wasn’t invited to speak at last week’s mayoral debate – perhaps because I’m not running – but I wanted to share my vision for running the city.
New leadership means that changes need to be made, and I just happen to have a list:
▪ People who come in and try to steal our stuff get in trouble. That means we charge the legislature with Grand Theft Airport.
▪ Somehow, we manage to get a sign to the airport erected on Interstate 77, even if means taking down one of the signs pointing to the Farmers Market.
▪ Clocks in every concourse.
▪ No more meetings on Friday afternoons before a three-day weekend.
▪ We find ways to get more Gamecock games in Charlotte. Those fans are wild.
▪ If the Panthers make the playoffs, we buy them another escalator.
▪ No more crowing about how great the ridership numbers are for the trolley until we start charging people to board it.
▪ No more pretending that there won’t be changes at Belk after it gets gobbled up by a New York private equity firm.
▪ We hire a physically imposing guy, maybe Steve Smith Jr., to go have a chat with Chiquita, which blew town owing us $1 million.
▪ Ten-dollar cap on beer prices at the arena.
▪ We figure out a way to pay for driver’s education in high schools. Seems like an investment that pays off for decades.
▪ If you complain about the heat in the summer, you can’t complain about the cold in the winter. You have to pick one.
▪ Any candidate that uses a robot to call you up and tell you how to vote should be instantly disqualified.
▪ Uptown panhandlers must come up with something more original than needing bus fare to get to a job interview.
▪ There will now be a once-a-week limit on meetings sponsored by the marketing department about “what the millennials want.”
▪ To halt the slide in the precious metals markets, the price of an ounce of gold will be now be pegged to the price of an ounce of movie popcorn.
▪ Banned: Styrofoam packing peanuts.
▪ They can put any sign they want on the tailgate, but if a rock flies off a truck and cracks your windshield, the truck’s owner is responsible for the damage.
▪ In order to get a high school diploma, a student must go two sentences without using the word “like.”
▪ When erecting a major building, you have to put up a sign with a drawing of what it will look like.
▪ Any business answering its phone with a dozen voice-mail options is not allowed to say, “Your call is important to us.”