Mark Washburn

25 things you never heard said by a father

These are the words that fathers never say:

▪  Why not keep living here? Think of the money you’ll save on rent.

▪  I’ve seen bigger dents.

▪  Turn the music up!

▪  Tell me everything about what a cad your boyfriend has been. When you share these things with your mother, she just boils it down to a sentence or two, which I hate.

▪  Oh thanks. I look forward all year to a new bottle of Old Spice.

▪  Oh, don’t worry about it. Your grandfather is still laughing about the time he had to bail me out.

▪  You really look cute on the back of his Harley.

▪  Go ahead and keep on playing video games with your friends. I’m pretty sure the Red Sox play the Yankees again in a couple months.

▪  Deer are so smart.

▪  There’s no need to lay on the horn. She’s obviously unaware of the green light because she’s composing an important text.

▪  This guy knows what he’s talking about or he wouldn’t be a TV meteorologist. So let’s go lay down in a ditch to escape the cyclone.

▪  That is one super-ugly 1964 candy-apple red, Muncie four-speed V-8 Corvette Stingray.

▪  I wish they could figure out a way to extend the NBA playoffs a couple more months.

▪  Get down out of that tree, you kids! Climbing up there it could be dangerous.

▪  Let’s go to one of those restaurants with a big salad bar.

▪  When I was your age, we had more money than we could count.

▪  I don’t know why you’re asking me. I have no advice for you on selecting your first car.

▪  Here’s tickets to the game. I feel like staying home and writing poetry.

▪  No, your mother is all wrong. Go ahead and stay out as late as you want.

▪  Of course you’re old enough to set off fireworks with your friends.

▪  We’ll have the wedding reception wherever you want. Money is no object.

▪  You must be bushed after partying so late last night. I’ll take care of mowing the grass.

▪  I’m not very good at driving a boat.

▪  We’ve got a great cable company.

▪  You don’t need another haircut.