Mark Washburn

At a time like this, it’s our duty to insult your intelligence

In case you’re not up with the latest, we are in the gorilla grip of an epic calamity of lost-mitten proportions, a savage siege of ice and snow that will alter our lives forever, if not inconvenience us for hours.

I know this because I’ve been tuned into the Severe Nostradamas Gompler-Whompler Weather Center of Agonizing Death, also known as my television.

I can assure you that in anticipation of the catastrophe, we at the newspaper have larded up on typographical bullets

Every few years when we get a Storm of the Century, it falls to responsible journalists to dispense life-saving, bulleted advice because we think you must be a bunch of drooling imbeciles. Already this year alone, we have actually advised you to:

While we are wickedly clever, I regret that the following piece of advice dispensed in January by a local TV station had us moping around for days because it exceeded even the loopiest warnings we have ever issued with a straight face:

Even commuters in the Arctic Circle don’t do that, but it raised key issues in my mind. If you’re a battery-bearing drooling imbecile, should you swaddle it in a dish towel or go knit it a shawl? It is humbling, I can tell you, when you’re outdone on ridiculous weather tips.

In that spirit, I urge you to heed the following:

Being cooped up for a day or two might not be such a bad thing. Remember, this is that magic season that comes along every two years in which you can watch young Americans who have dedicated their lives to practice, struggle and sacrifice to reach their ultimate prize, to pursue the dreams for which they have so long prepared themselves.

Yes, you can turn on the TV and catch the latest on Clay Aiken running for Congress.