It is once again my pleasure to address the graduating class. Feel free to continue staring at your phones because something interesting is probably happening somewhere else.
Speaking of annoying, let’s talk a second about your parents.
They are so proud of you – and of the way you have asserted your independence in these past few years of personal growth – that they have built a shrine at the curbside of the house. It’s called your stuff, and you can pick it up any time.
On this graduation day, certain secrets of life can now be revealed to you as you begin to make your way into the world. Things like:
One more thing.
You’re the smartest, strongest, savviest generation ever minted. We have great hopes for you.
Most of all, we hope you will clean up the mess we’ve left this world in.