When I become emperor, we’re going to do things differently around here.
When someone loses their job, you’re not going to be allowed to say, “When one door closes, another one opens.” Because that’s the last thing anybody wants to hear, and we all know it’s not true anyway.
Motor fuels taxes will go to build roads, not for other stuff.
We’re going to put up clocks at the airport.
If our mayor needs to be bribed, we’ll let the criminals handle it. We don’t need the FBI doing it.
Your address must be visible from the street. If not, you have to pay invisibility tax.
If we can afford escalators for stadiums, we can afford benches for the homeless.
We don’t need a law saying you can’t smoke in the park. People don’t go to the park to smoke. They go to the little smoking corral outside their buildings and hear all the office gossip you wish you knew.
When a street starts out with a name, it keeps that name until it stops. It’s not like we have so few streets that we need to give them multiple names.
Whenever kids set up a lemonade stand, you’ll have to stop and buy some.
In ice hockey, if you drop your stick, you can’t pick it up. You will have to steal a stick from an opposing player. This will bring much-needed violence to the game.
It will no longer be known as the “Internet” or “The Web.” It shall just be called “Cute Cats.”
There will be no more complaining about the heat. This is the South. It is summer. It is meant to be unpleasant. Complaining about winter cold, however, will still be allowed, if not encouraged.
If you’re walking down the street gawking at your phone and you bump into someone, they’re entitled to an explanation about what’s so incredibly interesting on the screen.
No more calling everything “awesome.”
Every other year the State Fair gets held in Charlotte.
For every billion dollars a bank is fined for wrongdoing, at least one person has to go to jail.
When it snows, reporters may not drive around to demonstrate how dangerous it is and nag people to stay home to be safe. If they can foolishly go out in it, so can you.
Ditto hurricanes, where they stand on the beach and mock people who didn’t evacuate.
If you choose to live near the airport, you cannot whine about jet noise.