Oh, thank heavens. Our prayers have been answered.
An expert group from New York City has inspected our little-old airport and graded it.
They’re called the Global Gateway Alliance, and bless their hearts. They tore themselves away from their crucial mission of suggesting ideas to make New York’s palatial jetports even better to go around the country and rank others.
Charlotte Douglas International, of course, ranks as a hell-hole. A dump. It’s a dim warehouse of torment mercilessly sucking the life spirit from unfortunate pilgrims alighting upon our barren shores.
Of the 20 top U.S. airports the Alliance ranked, Charlotte Douglas doesn’t just fall in last place. It sits beneath a dunce hat in the time-out corner in bib overalls sucking on a toothpick and asking to borrow some snuff. We’re an abomination.
Global Gateway Alliance, after decontaminating itself from its Charlotte Douglas inspection, patiently explained our airport lacks favorable amenities. That means fancy stuff.
We don’t have enough gadget-chargers like Seattle. We don’t have kid playgrounds like Atlanta. We don’t have pet bathrooms like Los Angeles. We don’t have fitness centers like Dallas. We don’t have yoga stations like San Francisco.
All we have is that guy with the sexy voice who comes on the intercom every 60 seconds to remind us that unattended vehicles will be towed.
We thank Global Gateway Alliance for its unbidden but edifying guidance. We recognize we are a load of bumpkins, and we will do what it suggests.
But first, we have our own list of airport needs.
Like maybe a sign on Interstate 77 that points to it. All the other 19 busy airports, particularly the yoga leaders, have expressway signs. Our airport is as well-publicized as Area 51.
How about clocks in the terminals? Why is the time as mysterious as the airport’s location?
Construction. More construction. We want another decade or two of construction.
How about a terminal restaurant that serves food at near-reasonable prices? We could name the place “Ten-Dollar Bargain Burger!” or some such. Then we could hide it, in keeping with strict airport policy.
Inter-modal coal ash pits.
What about something locally branded for the gift shop? How about blouses that say, “I went to CLT baggage claim to get my luggage, but all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”
If nothing else, this scholarly examination by the Global Gateway Alliance reveals we need new leadership.
What we should do is appoint an oversight board. Then it can discuss – at length – each of these ideas with its hyper-expensive attorneys. And then it can do nothing, absolutely nothing, because it has no authority.
We don’t need amenities. We just need sanity.