Editorials

Charlotte Squawks takes aim at the Hornets, Roy Cooper and others

The Charlotte Squawks gang wowed audiences again in 2018 with hits like “Stinkin’ the Hive.”
The Charlotte Squawks gang wowed audiences again in 2018 with hits like “Stinkin’ the Hive.”

Charlotte Squawks is an annual stage show poking fun at politics, pop culture and sports through satire and musical parodies. Co-produced by the Blumenthal and featuring Mike Collins of WFAE’s Charlotte Talks, the show runs every June in the Booth Theater and just finished its 14th season.

We had co-producer and head writer Brian Kahn share some of his parody lyrics from this past year’s show. Brian, a litigation partner at McGuireWoods LLP, also agreed to pick up his cartooning pen to illustrate his songs. From the Hornets’ mediocrity to Roy Cooper’s powerlessness to even one serious song about mass shootings, Brian has it covered.

Call up the originals online in the background, and sing along!

Place Too Small to Park

(Parody of Bruce Springsteen’s “Dancing in the Dark”)

I get up in the morning and I drive to work everyday

I go out in the evening, I hit the mall or the Cotswold Chick-fil-A

There’s one thing I require and I don’t think I’m all by myself

When I’m parking, I could use just a little help

The car lots are tighter – I can’t find a space and it looks stark

My car is wider – and every spot is a place too small to park

I circle ‘round getting bitter – radar’s on as I creep through Phillips Place

I check my rearview mirror – a Chevy Tahoe has taken the last space!

Man, I can’t fit in nowhere! Midtown Trader Joe’s got me pissed

And every time that I go there, Piper Glen’s even worse than this

The car lots are tighter – and if I squeeze in, I’ll get a mark

My car is wider – every spot is a place too small to park

The Selwyn Reid’s makes me smolder – every car in the lot’s an SUV

I could just park on the shoulder, but I know that they’ll ticket me

I’m on the streets of Uptown, every lot that I try is just too tight

Pull into Seventh Street Station — hey buddy, I know these white lines can’t be right!

I’m dying for some action, I think the chief of police should come take a look

We only get a fraction, whoever designed these is a crook!

The car lots are tighter – it’s been an hour and a half since I embarked

I’m getting fired, ‘cause every spot is a place too small to park

The car lots are tighter– everyday is a search like Lewis and Clark

Worn out my tires – every spot is a place too small to park

Every spot is a place too small to park

Every spot is a place too small to park

Stinkin’ the Hive

(Parody of The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive”)

Well, you can tell by the way we’ve had no luck, we’re an average team, we kinda suck

We don’t get hot, we just get warm, we get kicked around and that’s the norm

We’re gonna make you sigh, make you pray, make you look the other way

But please don’t cry – we understand, we make it hard to be a fan

Whether we get smothered or lose it at the buzzer, we’re stinkin’ the hive, stinkin’ the hive

Feel the city achin’ from losses that we’re taking, we’re stinkin’ the hive, stinkin’ the hive

Ah, ah, ah, ah, stinkin’ the hive, stinkin’ the hive, Ah, ah, ah, ah, stinkin’ the hiiiiiive …

Oh, man, we suck

We got Cody low and Kemba high and yet we still don’t win – I don’t get why

Got a Frank Kaminsky and Batum – we’re a decent team, but still we’re doomed

You know, it’s all right, it’s OK – you don’t like playoffs anyway

Our losses got so out of hand, we even got our head coach canned

Whether we just cover or play more like your mother, we’re stinkin’ the hive, stinkin’ the hive,

Feel your hearts a-breakin’ and all your heads a-shakin’, we’re stinkin’ the hive, stinkin’ the hive,

Ah, ah, ah, ah, stinkin’ the hive, stinkin’ the hive, Ah, ah, ah, ah, stinkin’ the hiiiiiive …

We’re goin’ nowhere, somebody help us, somebody help us, yeah

We’re goin’ nowhere, somebody help us yeah, we’re stinkin’ the hive

Well, you can tell that the franchise has got stuck, can’t beat the Heat, or Bulls or Bucks

Dynasties are being born, while we sit at home and eat popcorn

You know, it’s all right, it’s OK – you’d rather go and see a play

I guess that we will soon disband, we’re damaging the Jordan brand

Whether we get smothered or lose it at the buzzer, we’re stinkin’ the hive, stinkin’ the hive,

Feel the city achin’ from losses that we’re taking, we’re a-stinkin’ the hive, stinkin’ the hive,

Ah, ah, ah, ah, stinkin’ the hive, stinkin’ the hive, Ah, ah, ah, ah, stinkin’ the hiiiiiive …

We’re stinkin’ the hive!

Form a Committee

(Parody of Jan & Dean’s “Surf City”)

We’ve got some really big problems in our town and our county

(Queen City, where we’re from!)

You know, it’s all kinda scary, but we’ll study them profoundly

(Queen City, ain’t no slum!)

No, we won’t spring to action or try something new

But I will tell you what we’re gonna do …

Well, we’ll form a committee and get nothing done!

You know we’ll form a committee invite everyone!

You know we’ll form a committee and we’ll meet a ton!

You know we’ll form a committee doesn’t that sound fun, now

Task forces give me joy!

They say we need a lot of buy-in from traditional stakeholders

(committee, get ‘er done!)

And we’ll have a weekly standing breakfast and bring fancy custom folders

(committee, sticky buns!)

Yeah, and in all the meetings, we’ll be so engrossed

We won’t have time to eat our avocado toast!

Well, we’ll form a committee and get nothing done!

You know we’ll form a committee that I’m gonna run!

You know we’ll form a committee, I’m important, son!

You know we’ll form a committee doesn’t that sound fun, now

Task forces give me joy!

And one day we’ll present our findings to community actors

(committee, here’s the sum!)

With a dozen key determinants and cross-cutting factors

(committee, kinda numb!)

And when we’ve published our work we’ll be so proud of ourselves

And of the thousand-page report collecting dust on the shelf!

Well, we’ll form a committee and get nothing done!

You know we’ll form a committee ‘cause we’re number one!

You know we’ll form a committee we sure had a run!

You know we’ll form a committee doesn’t that sound fun, now

Task forces give me, Task forces give me,

Task forces give me joy!

Millennial Girl

(Parody of Madonna’s “Material Girl”)

Some folks Insta, some folks Snapchat, I think they’re OK

As long as they have filters so I’m on fleek for my bae

I was late to work today ‘cause I went out last night (all night)

I should get a promotion though since I am always right

‘Cause you are living in a millennial world and I am a millennial girl

You know that you are living in a millennial world and I am a millennial girl

I take selfies, I post brunch pics, you should follow me

And I’ve got swag of your favorite things I wear ironically

I can even ‘til I’ve had my hot chai tea latte (grand-e)

Made in an organic, local, carbon-saving way

‘Cause you are living in a millennial world and I am a millennial girl

You know that you are living in a millennial world and I am a millennial girl

You don’t get my OMGs or LMFAO

But all you guys want in on my new blockchain IPO

‘Cause everybody’s living in a millennial world and I am a millennial girl

You know that you are living in a millennial world and I am a millennial girl!

Desperate Veto

(Parody of Justin Bieber’s version of “Despacito,” as sung by Gov. Roy Cooper and his team)

Every moment since my election, the legislature gives me no affection

Turns every situation so contentious, yeah

Oh-oh, they are undermining me every day – all they do is get in the way

Makes me want to kill all of those bozos slowly (slowly)

Everything is deadlocked and it can’t go on

Counting down the days ‘til one of us is gone

I hope that later on this year, there might be less of them ‘round here

Baby, I don’t know if I can last that long

Oh. True. Every bill you read from them is so grotesque

You only have one option when it hits your desk

It may be in vain but it’s what you can do so…

Oh yeah, yeah! Every bill he reads he tries to say “no mas”

But they have the numbers so they always pass

And despite his futile act the bill goes through though …

Desperate veto! Every single bill I see I must torpedo

But then when I try they’re overriding me though

Swatting me away like I’m some damn mosquito!

Desperate veto! Making me look weak is just their basic credo

Shot under the bar like I’m that creature Gredo

I should just go home and eat a bag of Cheetos!

(stupid, stupid, stupid … stupid, stupid)

Passing bills to take appointment rights away from me? No!

Regulating run off water ‘stead of making sure it’s clean, oh!

Adding party names to ballots for our judges, weak bro!

And judicial primaries go? Stacking courts by cutting seats yo!

They knock him over like a domino until he’s screaming mamma no

It’s like he’s in Guantanamo, they do things you don’t wanna know

All that he can do now is just take it from these bum, bums

They won’t even talk about the budget freakin’ dumb dumbs

They’re legislating pay raises and tax cuts for their cronies

Get out, get out, get out there and vote against all of these phonies

Every little antic that they pull just makes us squirmy

They won’t even let him hire his own attorney

I veto and veto, but I can’t compete-o

All of this rejection ain’t good for my ego

But I guess our war is not a shocking story

They would even battle with their boy McCrory

I veto and veto, wearing a tuxedo

But it doesn’t matter, I could wear a speedo

I should wear a dress-a and call all the press-a

And go to the bathroom, cause another mess-a (Oh no!)

Desperate veto! Even though it’s gonna end in sure defeat oh!

And they’ve got me wrapped up tight like a burrito!

It is like a pop song that’s stuck on repeat oh!

I veto and veto, and it isn’t neato

Running out of rhymes here … we like Jared Leto!

Might as well just go get drunk-a

Personally I like Titos!

I veto and veto, visiting Home Depot

Going down the aisles and we buy a gazebo

I like visiting casinos (Hell yeah)

I prefer the game called keno

Desperate veto!

This Land is Parkland

(Parody of Woodie Guthrie’s “This Land Is Your Land”)

This land is Parkland, it’s Columbine and

San Bernadino to a DC diamond

From the Fort Hood shootings to the Charleston murders

This stuff is not OK with me

As I was watching this endless violence

With thoughts and prayers or a moment of silence

The politicians were doing nothing

This stuff is not OK with me

This land is Parkland, it’s Columbine and

Orlando night club to the Dallas gunman

From out in Vegas to up in Blacksburg

This stuff is not OK with me.

But I see hope with those kids from Parkland

I see some movement, I see some spark, man

And now this country has started singing

This stuff is not OK with me

This land is Parkland, it’s Columbine man

The kids from Newton still make me cry man

From Aurora Theater to the Fort Hood murders

This stuff is not OK

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