Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it’s fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes.”


“It was revealed that back in 2011 Michael Jordan was signing a poster for Obama’s 50th birthday but spelled the president’s name wrong. The president made sure Jordan’s name was spelled right when he had him audited by the IRS.”

“Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I’m worried it’ll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, ‘This factory is terrible.’ ”


“This week is the 10th anniversary of Google Maps. Or as 10-year-olds call them, ‘maps.’ ”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams.”


“Did you watch the Grammys? There were some surprise winners. Brian Williams won for Best Spoken Word in the fiction category. At least, I think he did. That’s what he told me.”


“It’s been reported that Beyoncé wore $10 million worth of jewels to the Grammys. When asked why, Beyoncé said, ‘I didn’t want to bring the good stuff.’ ”

SETH MEYERS

“Starbucks has confirmed that saxophone star Kenny G. helped create the Frappuccino. And that, by the way, was voted the world’s whitest sentence ever uttered.”


“The Grammys were last night. It’s the one night of the year where fans both young and old gather around their TVs to say, ‘Who is that?’ ”


“Charles Manson and his fiancee have called off their engagement after he found out that she had plans to put his body on public display after his death. Man, it’s like every time he meets a girl, she turns out to be crazy.”


“Staples has reached a deal to buy Office Depot for $6.3 billion. While RadioShack has reached a deal to buy an old futon on Craigslist.”


“At tthe National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama and the Dalai Lama avoided a direct meeting. Sounds like there may be some Obama-Lama drama.”

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