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Laugh AttacksHumorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon AP

JIMMY FALLON

“The East Coast is experiencing one of the worst winters in history. Schools have had a record number of snow days. The only math kids are doing is how many glasses of wine their mom drinks before 2 p.m.”


“President Obama spent Monday playing a round of golf in sunny California, and then flew back to Washington on Air Force One. And 10,000 people stranded at Boston’s Logan Airport just became Republicans.”


“A federal judge suspended President Obama’s executive order on immigration. When asked if he’s mad about being overruled, Obama said, ‘You know I’ve been married for 23 years, right?’”


“A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama’s former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.”

“Axelrod also said in his new book that Obama lied to Americans to get votes in 2008 when he said he opposed gay marriage. Of course, Republicans have already turned it into a scandal: BenGayZi. It’s trending right now.”


SETH MEYERS

“Ukrainian officials say that while Vladimir Putin was announcing a ceasefire agreement, over a hundred Russian military vehicles and weapons crossed into Ukrainian territory. Said Putin, ‘Is not Ukraine. Is My-kraine.’”

“Thousands of San Francisco residents may have been exposed to measles because an infected LinkedIn employee used public transit this week. But on the bright side, it’s the most connections anyone on LinkedIn has ever made.”


“During a speech, Chris Christie said, ‘There’s only one Chris Christie, and this is it.’ I don’t know. It still looks like at least two.”


“A recent poll shows that New Jersey residents feel Hillary Clinton has the ‘right look’ to be president, while Chris Christie does not. Then today, Christie was spotted at JCPenney, trying on pantsuits.”


“Two more women have come forward to accuse Bill Cosby of sexual assault, bringing the total to . . . he did it.”


“A lawmaker in Tennessee is pushing to make the Bible the official state book. It would replace Tennessee’s current state book, the menu at Cracker Barrel.”

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