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Laugh AttacksHumorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Colbert
Colbert AP

STEPHEN COLBERT

“It’s been days since we heard Donald Trump on the Grope-Town Express, and a lot of people have distanced themselves from Donald Trump — at least one arm’s length.”

“Here’s what Hillary said about her tax plans: ‘We are going to go where the money is.’ And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches.”

“The Chicago Cubs are going to the World Series! The Cubs are playing another lovable loser, the Cleveland Indians. The two teams have a combined 176 years without a championship. To put that in perspective, that is almost as long as a baseball game feels.”

“WikiLeaks has been releasing emails from the Clinton campaign, because they’re committed to transparency — or however you say ‘transparency’ in Russian. Transparenchnik.”

SETH MEYERS

“A political science professor at SUNY Stony Brook claims he has developed a new mathematical model that predicts Donald Trump will win the election. Said Trump, ‘Mathematical model? She sounds ugly. Hard pass.’ 

“Donald Trump today criticized some of his Republican primary opponents for refusing to endorse him, saying, quote, ‘I don’t know how they live with themselves.’ Said his opponents, ‘We don’t. We live with our wives.’ 

“Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted this weekend that Donald Trump is trailing Hillary Clinton. Said Conway, ‘No, literally, he's trailing her.’ 

“Many news outlets are saying Donald Trump will almost certainly launch his own TV network after the election. Which means as early as next year we could see Trump TV filing for bankruptcy.”

JIMMY FALLON

“Hillary Clinton made a surprise stop at a campaign event in North Carolina where the actress who plays Crazy Eyes on ‘Orange Is the New Black’ was volunteering. Crazy Eyes said it was an honor to meet Crazy Smile.”

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