Laugh Attacks: 02.28.15

Conan O’Brien
Conan O’Brien Getty Images


“Jeb Bush gave a speech last week. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.”

“This week Wal-Mart announced that it will increase its employees’ hourly wages by 40 percent. Workers are pretty excited because they’ll finally make enough money to shop at Target.”

“Chris Christie addressed recent stories about his change in personality and said, ‘There’s only one Chris Christie.’ He said the only time there are two Chris Christies is when he’s buying seats on a plane.”

“Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested and charged with burglary after breaking into a house in Florida. That’s right. Someone had his stuff stolen by Vanilla Ice. And then Queen and David Bowie said, ‘Been there.’”


“During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, ‘She’s right, I can’t live like this. I can’t take another second of this living hell.’”

“Starbucks has launched a home delivery service. It’s perfect for anyone too lazy to walk one block in any direction.”

“The restaurant chain Salad Works has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Analysts attribute the failure to it being a salad restaurant located in America.”

“Little Caesars has introduced a giant, deep-dish pizza with a crust wrapped in three feet of bacon. Two hours ago Pizza Hut surrendered.”

“During his acceptance speech, the winner for best supporting actor, J.K. Simmons, told everyone to call their parents. I tried to call my parents but they were at the movies watching ‘50 Shades of Grey.’”


“I don’t want to say the Oscars ran long, but the best picture Oscar was awarded on ‘Good Morning America.’”

“The ratings for the Academy Awards hit a six-year low. So few people saw the Oscars that it’s been nominated for an Oscar.”

“TLC is reportedly working on a spinoff of ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.’ They’re calling it ‘You People Will Watch Anything.’”