Viewpoint

To America: I’ve flirted. With love, Barack

Barack Obama on Sunday during the 2015 Governors Dinner at the White House.
Barack Obama on Sunday during the 2015 Governors Dinner at the White House. GETTY

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani asserted the other day that he doesn’t think that President Barack Obama loves America. And Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, who is mulling a presidential run in 2016, said he didn’t know whether or not Obama loves America, either.

Serving as president is usually a pretty good indicator of whether someone loves America or not. At least, Giuliani and Walker didn’t say that Obama really loved Kenya. Small victories, we say.

But what if it’s possible to love more than one country? You know, say, the way Giuliani tries out wives as often as he changes his socks?

I have found an as-yet-unreleased love letter to America from Obama, and I hope this clears things up:

Dear America,

Of course I love you. You know that. As your 44th president, that should be abundantly clear. After all, look what I have to put up with: Rudy Giuliani and Scott Walker, and that’s just for starters. Don’t get me started on John Boehner and Mitch McConnell.

But I also have a confession, America. I have had relationships with other countries.

There was this thing with Indonesia, and they called it puppy love. In junior high, I had a crush on Great Britain. But with her unpleasant foods and her cars that wouldn’t start when it dipped below 50 degrees, it wasn’t meant to be.

When I was in college, I dated France. It was wild and tempestuous, as these French things can be. I loved her fries and her tasty wine and the way her beret was cocked on her head. You know.

When I got to law school, I had an inappropriate liaison with Japan. She was so pretty and shy. You used to fight all the time with her, I know. Same thing with Germany: I also had a little thing going on with her; she did make great cars, though.

Before I met Michelle, I also played footsie with Iceland. But she was cold. So forget that. I also made passes at Sweden and Norway. Same deal.

I went out to dinner a couple of times with Pakistan. Talk about crazy. We kept in touch off and on, but then I took out Osama and Pakistan stopped speaking to me. I had drinks with Thailand, Spain, and Burkina Faso. That’s it. I swear.

As for Russia, it’s complicated. And don’t get me started on China. That was just one dinner date, and I snuck out through the bathroom window. And I felt like I hadn’t eaten a thing.

You probably also don’t know that I was obsessed with Estonia, Malaysia, Argentina, Panama and Lesotho. They just didn’t get my jokes.

Anyway, America, it’s you I really love. Truly.

After all, anyone who has to deal with the tea party, the Koch brothers, Bill Clinton (yikes!), Joe Biden, Kanye West, Rush Limbaugh and East Coast winters must really be in it for the long haul, or, at least until Jan. 20, 2017.

After that, I’m outta here. I’m going back to my first love: golf.

–Love,

Barack XXXOOO

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