Corrupt crook or billionaire bigot? Boy, what a choice.

Hillary Clinton’s a crook. What did she do? Beats me, but Donald Trump says she is, so it must be true.
Hillary Clinton’s a crook. What did she do? Beats me, but Donald Trump says she is, so it must be true. AP

This is simply outrageous. That’s it. I’m done with Hillary Clinton. Whatta crook.

Crook? What did she do?

Beats me, but Donald Trump, that titan of integrity, says those emails on Huma Abedin’s computer prove dastardliness is afoot, so it must be true.

Wow! What do they say?

I have no idea, but like Trump says, if it looks like a Hillary and talks like a Hillary, it must be an indictment-in-waiting. That’s why I’m all-in for Donald J. Trump.

But wait. What about all those stories about how Trump finagled the tax code to avoid paying millions of dollars to the Internal Revenue Service?

You’re absolutely right. I’m furious. There is no way I could possibly vote for that conniving huckster. Hillary, here I come.

But wait. Aren’t you just a little bit alarmed over reports detailing how Bill Clinton essentially used the Clinton Foundation to hustle donors for multimillion-dollar speaking and consulting contracts?

That’s disgusting. Clearly I’m throwing my lot in with Donald Trump to make America quake again.

But wait. Have you forgotten Trump’s insulting comments about women, Muslims, Mexicans, Gold Star families, prisoners of war and people with disabilities with the possible exception of the Dominican Nuns of America, who he probably regards as a two, at best?

There’s no way we can let this man anywhere near the White House. And that’s why the only clear choice on Election Day is Hillary Clinton.

But wait. Let’s not lose sight of Benghazi, the private server, the scandal over earlier emails and the rumors Hillary is closer to death than Old Yeller.

What was I thinking?!?! How could I possibly cast a vote for such a careless, irresponsible, dreadful person? Trump is the only possible alternative to lead this wonderful country.

But wait. In recent days various news reports have hinted at a shadowy back-channel relationship between the Trump Organization and a Russian bank. The FBI has been looking into ties between former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort and his consulting work with tyrants, despots and kleptocrats. And let us not forget Donald Trump gets a tingle down his leg at the mere mention of the object of his bromance, Vladimir Putin. Good grief, this is a chap who watches reruns of Dr. Strangelove to learn about foreign policy.

We’re doomed! Could Trump be any more shameless! As you know, I’ve been with Hillary Clinton from day one.

But wait. You do realize if Hillary Clinton is elected Bill comes along? And that we are probably in for at least four years of “What did he do now?” Not to mention all the conflicts of interest and old scandals given new life, at least among the right-wing chattering teeth classes?

Oh dear. Who needs that? Four years of Jersey Shore meets the Beltway? That’s why I’ve said consistently that Donald Trump is the Big Apple of my eye.

But wait. Have you overlooked Trump on that Access Hollywood tape talking about women and saying he wanted to …

I know, I know. You’re right. Do we really want a president you couldn’t trust to be left alone in a room with Queen Elizabeth? Well, that does it for me. Hillary, yes, a thousand times yes, Hillary.

But wait. How do you feel about Hillary Clinton refusing to release transcripts of her soft-soap speeches to Wall Street big shots for which she received hundreds of thousands of dollars for big fat, sloppy air kisses?

That’s true. But Trump still refuses to release his tax returns, which everyone suspects show he paid less in taxes than the Joad family. What am I supposed to do?

One potato, two potato?