Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Colbert
Colbert Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP

STEPHEN COLBERT

“The GOP’s healthcare plan came out last week and, so far, it’s popular with everyone . . . except doctors, hospitals, the insurance industry, patients, the elderly, Democrats, Republicans, and — what’s the word? — mortals. Yeah. These mortals, they need so much care.”

“The Congressional Budget Office released its official analysis of the GOP’s healthcare bill and found 24 million Americans will lose coverage under the plan. But keep in mind, that’s 24 million people by 2026. And without health insurance, a lot of those people won’t live that long anyway.”

“Trump’s paying for his immigration program by cutting funds to the Coast Guard, airport and rail security. Great. So, we’re fine as long as nobody tries to get into America by sea, air, or land.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“According to a recent poll, first lady Melania Trump’s approval rating has increased to 52 percent since President Trump’s inauguration. And her ‘feel sorry for her rating’ is over 90 percent.”

“New research says that Neanderthals used to relieve pain by chewing on a plant containing the main ingredient in aspirin. Or as that’s now being called, ‘the Republican healthcare plan.’ 

“Hawaii is suing President Trump over his latest travel ban. In response, President Trump is suing Hawaii for ‘being hard to spell.’ 

“Disney has announced that its upcoming live-action ‘Aladdin’ movie is going to feature Middle Eastern actors. Filming will begin in May, or whenever the actors are no longer detained at the airport.”

“President Trump says he’s planning to travel less to other countries than previous presidents. The idea was first suggested to him by other countries.”

“A study reveals Americans are getting fatter and giving up on their diets. The study was conducted by going to a water park for five minutes.”

  Comments